The Downlow

My photo
austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Monday, January 31, 2011

you could mean everything

This month deserves one last post, because almost everything changed almost everything has gone my way. If January is any indication, 2011 will be a good year. 
I am constantly amazed at how my best friends continue to be my best friends after months of separation. I had a four hour long skype session with my friend who goes to college in Switzerland, and it was literally no different from our talks in high school. It is genuinely the most comforting thing in the world.
I am changing my major to English.  I think I am honestly happy right now.
One day I'll dedicate a publication to you,

PS. My next post will have legitimate writing in it, like a poem or a few paragraphs or something, I promise.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

so deep that it didn't even

bleed, and catch me off guard, red handed,
now I'm far from lonely.
Asleep, I still see you lying next to me,
so deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me,

I need something else, would someone please just give me,
hit me, knock me out and let me go back to sleep.
I can laugh all I want, inside I still am empty,
so deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me, I,

I guess I remember every glance you shot me,
unharmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat,
I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating,
so deep that I didn't even scream, fuck me, I,

I'll be just fine pretending I'm not.
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got.

lyrics are a leaf from Kay Elle's book,
I got really nostalgic a few seconds ago.
I promise I'll post for real soon,

Friday, January 28, 2011

you can do better than me

but I can't do better than you.
The work you do while procrastinating is the work you should be doing for the rest of your life.
-Jessica Nische


Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm always in this twilight

I got to this coffee house and started reading my textbooks at three. Four hours and two vanilla lattes and two muffins later, I am still not done reading my textbooks.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not things are going to work the way I want them to, but then I realize that if I don't believe that they will, then there's no reason for me to be here in the first place.
"I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map,
and I knew that somehow, I could find my way back.
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the dark too,
so I stayed in the darkness with you.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out,
you left me in the dark."
- Florence + the Machine

If you want something badly enough, will it inevitably happen? 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

i am everything you want

I am doing laundry right now. I made that myself, enjoy.

you've gotta spend some time, love

I am back at that coffee house and I think I'll be here a lot. I've decided it is in the running for my favorite place in Austin.
My only wish in the whole wide world is that people would learn how to choose happiness.
Low quality picture of a high quality vanilla latte,
I took it myself for once on my piece of shit cell phone.
I am happy, and a small assortment of people have continuously been making my days. 

You are loved,

Monday, January 24, 2011

stars in our eyes

Right now I am being super poetic and sitting in the upper level of an independent coffee house just off-campus, listening to indie music over the intercom and attempting to appear studious while I'm actually typing a blog about virtually nothing and working on my novel/project/baby, which, I think, is ultimately much more artsy and cool than reading the astronomy textbook I've been lugging around all day, yeah? Plus I have some time to kill before I really have anywhere to be.
The past two days have ultimately been very good, despite the fact that my phone is literally on it's death bed. It is falling apart, yay. But yesterday two homeless guys stopped me to tell me how pretty I was, and the newsroom was unusually chill and my managing editor complimented me on my stories, and today I slept until noon, bought two new rings and the guy at jamba juice gave me my smoothie half off because I applied for a job, then told me I was prob getting his job because he was quitting at the end of the month, so I am willing to overlook the fact that my sony ericsson is a kind of a piece of shiznittttt.
I am slowly becoming absorbed in my career again. I lost focus last semester but I'm back on track, and I remember now why I was the way that I was in high school. I've been jogging a lot lately, as well.

things that made me happy today-
not going to bio, then finding out it let out early anyways
good caramel macchiatos
good vanilla lattes
a good acai smoothie (that was half-off)
funny people who sold me those drinks
reading my book... on my nook
a "brass ovaries" pole dancing class flyer
seeing people I hadn't seen in a while
the new sushi place by my dorm
not reading my astronomy textbook
my phone surviving yet another day
the nice guy who sold me my rings
the ring I bought for my middle finger with the word "longhorn" engraved across it
replacing the turquoise ring I lost with a new one for my pinkie
friendly people
seeing a certain someones face on my list of followers

<------- Also, I'm a little confused. Why doesn't my dorm look like that?

Times New Roman is my favorite font,

ps. post # 100, biatch!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

you and all your loyalty

Last night I looked through old files and I'm probably going to post some older stuff later. 
I wish that I had more to say but there's honestly not a lot right now. So much has changed since last semester and in a lot of ways I'm getting the feeling that I'm starting over again. There's this weird part of me that feels reminiscent of how I felt at the beginning of first semester, but another part of me that understands that so much has changed since then, the idea that things are the same as they were is just silly. 
I figured out where I am going to live next year and I'm genuinely excited. I need a job, badly. The paper is slowly absorbing my life again. I am weirdly determined to do my school work, in a way that I would estimate I haven't been since freshman year of high school. Which is good, because I did really well in my freshman year of high school. I am also weirdly determined to get in shape. I cannot express to you how desperately I want to be at the beach, and I can't stop thinking about what life would be like if I'd gone to school somewhere different. I wish my thoughts were relevant to one another? 
I might blog again later today. They built this new student activity building next to the gym that's next to my dorm, and I was there earlier and it is genuinely zen. I have the intention of going there to do homework later but its more likely I'll end up writing. Last night I had a dream that was weirder than usual so maybe I'll put that down on paper. Or on FinalDraft. But whatever.

<-----I have already used these pictures but when I think about where I'd like to be they always come to mind, and I don't understand why I am not there right now.

"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."


Thursday, January 20, 2011

I prefer the better things

things I like:

free food
poetry classes
finishing books
having who I want
getting what I want
knowing what I want
having free time at night
long showers at the end of the day
being able to wear scarves in austin
drinking clam chowder on my way to class
posting three blogs in one day to make up for long absences
art history professors with british accents
going to sleep with my homework done
professors that go by their first name
physically being in the newsroom
doing things in the newsroom
having money in my account
feeling academic
more free food


not my illustration :)

this doesn't mean a thing

I am more tired than usual, which I think is a good thing, because it means I have lots of stuff to do.
Getting back into the 'swing of things' has been different than expected. The beginning of this semester has been a lot more sudden than the beginning of first semester. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I missed being busy, and as it turns out, it's actually kind of relaxing.

I'm not going to lie to you, I haven't worked on my project in probably about two weeks. Last time I wrote and made legitimate progress was chilling in a cici's booth over break, scribbling sketchily into a pocket sized moleskine while shoving breadsticks down my throat. Break, the second half in particular, was emotionally straining/unexpected, and since I've gotten back onto campus I've just been so busy. Not that those are valid excuses, but there's not a whole lot else I can say. I'll be in the newsroom late tonight so I won't have time then, but I swear that tomorrow will be spent typing.
The reason I haven't blogged in a while is the same, I'm sorry :(
p.s. I do not want to pick poetry apart. I just want to read it,
Actually, I'd prefer to write it, 

I still love you with everything I've got,

people will dissect this

The Sick Rose
William Blake

O Rose, thou art sick:
The invisible worm
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,

Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy;
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy

Thursday, January 13, 2011

make it better

I just thought really hard for a short period of time about whether or not I'm excited to go back to school on Saturday and I decided that I am excited and that there is a lot to do when I get there, and that I am genuinely a very happy girl right now. That is all.


I am obsessed with my NookColor and I am obsessed with writing. <3

Sunday, January 9, 2011

something unignorable

"Oh what a beautiful, terrifying thing, to be eighteen."

When was the last time you got what you wanted?
I remember vividly the moment I realized I was going to die. I was lying in bed when I was twelve thinking about time, and it hit me that in 100 years, no one would know or care who I was. All connection would be lost, and I would be in purgatory or reincarnated or in silence or whatever else happens. That was the moment I started planning.
Tonight one of my best friends came to my house and talking to her made me realize that far too often, we try to rationalize why our own unhappiness is fair. Unhappiness is never fair. We try to come up with reasons why our problems can't be gotten rid of, and we sacrifice our own happiness in the process.
Life ends, and happiness should come first. You only have like 100 years to make mistakes and fuck up and love and find yourself and if you hesitate, your time could pass before you realize it came. When you die, the only thing that will matter is whether or not you took the time to live.
I've always had a plan, but I keep getting this nagging feeling that its wrong. I want to learn how to make real decisions before its too late to make any.

"Whoever can love you can leave you and whoever can hurt you can heal you." -kay elle

Friday, January 7, 2011

you can figure me out

I find more and more each time I come home from school how relaxing my hometown is. Like, it's really chill.  I'm not gonna lie, if you stay here for long periods of time it can get boring, but overall, I'm genuinely going to miss the lack of worries I have at home when I go back to Austin. 

All I want is everything you have. I want want want to write for years and years without stopping but I don't know who I am. Who Am I?
a train wreck
in love with everything
the happiest girl in the world.

That's old, I don't know what to call it.
Go to these sites in your spare time-

I miss my poetry class.

my best bet
still here 
who are you?

"We all look for happiness, but without knowing where to find it: like drunkards who look for their house, knowing dimly that they have one."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

soft rock on the radio

So I know I posted like two hours ago, but I almost died today and I feel like I should write about it.
My street opens up onto a main road, so I was pulling out to make a lefthand turn. Both sides of the street were empty, except for a car in the left hand turn lane who was about to make a left off of the main road and onto my street, but he was pulled back far enough so that I could turn and he was taking too long so I pulled out into the street. As soon as I did, he pulled forward so that he was blocking me and I was stuck in the middle of the street. I was getting really annoyed with him until I looked to my left and saw two cars driving towards me. I started screaming at the guy in the car that was blocking me and he looked confused and finally moved and I pulled forward to finally turn just before I would have gotten t-boned in the face. 
The reason I'm saying this is because at the moment I looked to my left and saw a car going at least 40 mph coming for the drivers side, and I really thought I was going to get my neck broken at the very, very least, I realized that I made the right choice. 

Have a good night.

first floor, room sixteen

So originally the plan had been to post a really epic blog on New Years/New Years Eve, but that obviously didn't end up happening. Instead, I got tanked at a party I was hosting and cried for something like four hours, then worked from 10:30 to 5:00 the next day with the most intense hangover I've ever had in my life. It was worth if only for the sheer amount of really funny stories about drunk Loch, but my only regret remains that I have to wait another 12 months to post a really fucking awesome New Years blog. Also, I am lacking in resolutions because I was waiting until midnight to make them but drunk Loch didn't really know when midnight was so that kind of went out the window.
Writing has changed. I'm back to scribbling scenes in pocket sized moleskines and typing every day. There are two different reasons why that could be and I'm not really sure which one it is, but I'm really excited because the pace is picking up finallyyyyyyyy.
Also, I really dislike rudeness.
Also, I made that one decision.
Also, I have a lot to say and I wish that I could find the words.
Also Also, I really, really hope you're reading this.
<3 my girls

I had no part in the making of any of these pictures.
don't disappoint me,