"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt.
Happiness is never grand."
There are not enough hours in the day and thoughts are building building building up and I'm editing when I should be making phone calls. I am tearing everything apart and rebuilding. Sorry I'm posting twice.
Take cover, signs don't show, you drove me off the road, but you let go cause your hope is gone, and every question fades away
You tread water, fighting for the air in your lungs,
move, move closer,
maybe you can right all your wrongs.
It's a shame you don't know what you're running from. Would your bones have to break and your lights turn off, would it take the end of time to hear your heart's false start? You know this is your biggest mistake, what a waste, what a waste, what a waste, and of all the things you never explained, you know this is your biggest mistake.
Wipe the mud stains from your face, stop the engine, stop pretending. Wipe the mud stains from your face, stop the engine, stop pretending that your still breathing.
I lied when I said that old people eating alone makes me sadder than anything else in the world.
Don't get me wrong, they're def a close second, but they're not the top of the list. I think what makes me the saddest is knowing that there are people out there who are simply mean. They've been kicked so many times while they were down that they don't know how else to be, and it's also not their fault. It just really bothers me that some people never learned how to be kind.
I'm sitting outside of my local community college right now, lamenting that class let out so ridiculously early and being annoyed with my dad for not answering his phone. My summer school government lecture normally lets out an hour later than this and I'm beginning to think I might be here for that long. It's not so bad though, because it's breezy and not too hot out and if i don't look up at the parking lot, I can kind of pretend that I'm back home in Austin, which is where I've really wanted to be for the past couple of days.
I hate making decisions. I would vastly prefer to let other people make them for me for the rest of my life. I really don't make my own choices that often- I just wait until something good falls on me and then I run with it. Unfortunately, sometimes what seems like a good thing isn't always the best thing :/ There are a lot of things that I want but I need to figure out what I need to give up and what's worth it.
In case you missed the newsflash, chapter three is up. Chapter four is in the works as we speak.
The bitchiest text I ever sent was only three words long. It was to an ex who'd just gotten fired and probably inhaled more THC than oxygen. I texted him to let him know that a smoke shop nearby was hiring. He never responded, because in retrospect, he was prob offended, or at least as offended as you can be while you're stoned. At the time, I honestly just figured he might like to know because we both liked the store. The moral of this anecdote is not that I shouldn't have sent it and certainly not that I'm sorry. I just want to say that sometimes, even though we might not know that we mean what we say, we usually end up saying what needs to be said. I think I'm actually making a decision for once? This blog post does not mean what you think it does.
"I developed a sense that meaning itself was resident in the rhythms of words and sentences and paragraphs, a technique for withholding whatever it was I thought or believed behind an increasingly impenetrable polish. The way I write is who I am,"
I get a rush from shoplifting. I'm vain and conceited. I'm probably an alcoholic, or I'm going to be within the next three months. I lie and I cheat and I steal to get what I want. I talk my way out of everything and play dumb to get people on my side. I play people without realizing, and sometimes while being totally aware of what I'm doing. I don't really have a lot of boundaries, I have a mouth like a sailor and I'm kind of a slut. I justify it all as "getting material for writing." I do things like post blogs about how terrible I am so that people will read them and think that I'm not so terrible. I spin everything. I try desperately to convince myself that I'm in the right but when I fall asleep at night, I don't feel right anymore. I just feel alive in a weird way and different than I used to, and I wonder if everything will end up alright or if I deserve for it to.
I have perfect friends and I don't know why, I certainly didn't earn them.
Last night I had this really intense moment where I realized exactly what I want to spend my time doing and who I want to spend it with. I will give you a hint, it involves writing.
This weekend involved whisky, apples to apples, skinny dipping and catch phrase, most definitely not in that order, and it was a really beautiful way to turn nineteen. I'm obsessed with my friends :) I'm sorry I don't really have anything to say! But check out my new fly kicks -
"At the present moment, I'm not recording, I'm not on tour and I've never had a song go to number one on BeatPort, I've never been featured on Juno Download or TrackitDown, I've never released vinyl, but what I do know is that I've been listening to electronica for many years and I have every right to speak my mind against the fabricated music that is being released on a daily basis, it's absolutely appalling. All these people think that if your on the BeatPort top ten that you're making something out of yourself, well you're making a mockery out of electronic music, I'm a producer and I come from the underground and I'm, quite frankly I'm sick and tired! And I'm here to go on these rants on message boards because I know I will never amount to anything and I need to make myself feel better so when I'm not high on cocaine, I will sit in front of this computer till the cows come home and continue ranting and raving about artists that are actually living out their dream because I never will!"
Deadmau5 is badass.
There is no amount of money that would make me give up what my manager likes to refer to as my "narcissistic blog," if only because I would like to imagine that sometimes people actually read it and when I get into moods like the one I'm in and I wonder if all the fun I'm having might be my downfall eventually, it's nice to pretend I have someone to talk to.
Chapter three will be done ridiculously soon. I know I've said that like ten times but you have no idea how close I am.
I need a lot more gin in my life, it does great things for me. I want that bookshelf for my apartment.
I would like to say that jealous bitches are the least attractive thing I can think of, especially when they're 20 years older. I would also like to say that there is no better feeling in the world than satisfaction.
I am not going to spend my life in the break room eating pre packaged lunches and talking enthusiastically about feta cheese and weight watchers and my bitch of a mother-in-law. I refuse. There is no reason why a person shouldn't be able to find a way to be fabulous, and I can't understand those who are content to simply accept the cards they've been dealt. The only way to find real success is to shuffle the goddamn deck, and you cannot do that if you watch slowly while your husband gains 150 lbs as you age and continue to bring him fresh turkey sandwiches upon his beck and call.
Last night I went to a park I haven't been to since last summer and tried to remember what I felt like then, and I realized it doesn't matter anymore because regardless of how I feel, I'm better. It is finally dawning on me that I am not the same girl I was a year ago.
p.s. the people who love you the most aren't always the people you expect.
I think the best part of my intenrship is getting to drive there. It's like, a twenty minute drive in a part of Plano I never really went into before, and I found parts of Plano I'd literally never known about. I think for all the money West Plano has, East Plano is a million times prettier. Summertime is picking up :)
I cannot stop listening to Childish Gambino. Please love him like I do.