The Downlow

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austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Monday, April 26, 2010

disenchantment is the curse of the classy.

Today was a really annoying day.
Have you ever been in one of those situations where you tell a lie, and then someone tells you how trustworthy you are and you immediately feel beyond guilty? Because today, that happened to me. It was really classic, actually, like a scenario from Full House or something. You tell your parent a lie, they believe you seamlessly and tell you how amazing you are, and you feel like daunch for the rest of the day until you tell them.
The people I should be able to trust the most have lied to me for nearly eighteen years about everything, and they have lied very, very well. In the past couple of months I found out I was being lied to, was told new information which was, of course, not true, and have basically discovered that I have no idea where I came from or who I am, and frankly, I don't believe anyone anymore. The only thing I have learned is that there is absolutely no one who you can absolutely trust, and that you should always be able to prove something yourself before you publish it.
The point is that I am good at lying, but I don't do it, and I don't see why anyone else does either. The world would be a much more exciting place if everyone would just be honest. I can't wrap my head around why people feel the need to sugar coat things or hide them altogether- it doesn't help anything. Like, at all. All it does is stress you out and stress other people out.

Trusting is not the same as loving. I have found out lies, and have lied about knowing them. Sometimes people lie to protect, and you have to respect that. I'm keeping my mouth shut.

When I find out whats going on I'll let you know.
I spent the weekend at the beach with orchestra and some of my favorite people, and I honestly just want to lie in the sun by the ocean and not think about anything but the people I love for the rest of my life. I really, really want to graduate.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

the classy let go.

I am not a fan of endings. It's unfortunate, because I seem to be arriving at so many of them.
When your farther off, college is an exciting idea. High school, admittedly, has a tendency to suck, and around the end of junior year, beginning of senior year, graduating begins to look pretty damn good.
Tonight I played the last of seven years worth of orchestra concerts, and it really hit me that things are starting to be over. No more orchestra, no more high school, no more acquaintances you greet in the hall. Only passerby, and there are less of them, and they're less constant.
In high school, it's easy to know who you are. You're more secure, there aren't as many decisions to be made, and you've known some people for years. You can say pretty solidly that you are aware of your personal goals and desires. Once you get out of high school, it's impossible to be the person you've always been. Change is forced, and everything is up in the air.
Maybe it's just me, but as I approach the end of the road, I'm terrified of crossing the bridge to the other side. I don't know whats there, and I don't know if I want to find out. I like who I am and what I want and who I care about, and the idea that I'm going to have to start over is unsettling on several levels.
I need to read more. I'm starting to get more scattered. I need to pull it together.
Some things are magic, and some things are just too hard to let go of. The are some things you can't ever let yourself forget. I don't want to forget.
I lahve you, I love all,

Thursday, April 8, 2010

the classy learn to love.

I do not, and will not under any circumstances claim to have taken that picture. It is far too beast for me. Is it a dog in a lobster suit, or a dog peeking out from the belly of a vicious canine devouring monster lobster? We may never know. Human kind is meant to be left with some questions unanswered, I suppose.
It has been far, far too long since I've updated this. I'm really sorry about that :/
Things have been a bit hectic lately. My priorities have become a lot more obvious in the past week or two. It's weird, because it's not necessarily what I'd expected.
This is the shortest blog ever, sorry I'm vague and weird. I'm just particularly mentally drained tonight and I don't feel like I can form anything coherent. What I will say, for right now, is this- If you have a bad quality, and you are aware of it, fix it. It seems logical, but so many people seem to just accept the things about themselves that they dislike and move on, and I'm not going to lie, I don't get it. Take some control of your own life, buck up. So many people are just pansies about it nowadays.
I'm tired, legit. Expect me to be sleeping in a few seconds. I'll update again tomorrow, a longer one, I promise. You'll be filled in on errathang.