The Downlow

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austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

fuck, let's get it

Tomorrow things will begin again, but not entirely in the way I'd like. Parts of myself have gone on hiatus.


Friday, August 17, 2012

I'm not sleeping now

There's this weird sort of restless feeling that's been building in my stomach that I just can't break and it's so frustrating. I guess there's not really a point to writing this except for that it's helping with the knot in my belly — I feel like I'm on the brink of something new but I'm not quite sure what it is yet and it's killing me. Bleh.

I cannot stop listening to Ellie Goulding again. I'm going to go drink some Earl Grey then get drunk. I may write again later.

I love you,

Monday, August 13, 2012

still so young

Things I like too much right now
too short shorts
rainbow hair colors
walking everywhere
mason jar glasses
political fiction
Irish whisky
floral prints

I swear to god I'm never the same person for more than a month at a time, sometimes I can't keep up with myself.


Monday, August 6, 2012

I'm too alive

The eyes on my cat alarm clock are following me around my room and I am aware now more than ever that there's no one in my bed tonight. It's almost the new semester which means things are going to change again, like they always change at the beginning of the school year, and to be honest, I'm getting a little impatient. It's like I'm getting cabin fever but I don't know where I'm trapped or by what. Hopefully I haven't sleep-talked too much this weekend.

Last night I cuddle and today I'm in a frenzy. How pathetic am I?
I wish I had more to say, and that I wrote more often like I used to. Happy August.

I really hope you look at me like you did yesterday, tomorrow.

Here's a picture of my awkward cat,

Much love always,

Monday, July 16, 2012

national anthem

Journalist Loch is in there somewhere, fighting to get out. I want an excuse to use my voice recorder again.


Saturday, July 14, 2012

you hate being alone

Sorry I was gone for so long.

Sucking on a marlboro
tan thighs from frayed denim
hair styled good from grunge,
blown wild by wind,
no semblance of sequence.
Days spent hardly justifying 
nights spent only self-indicting,
whisky stains over gross mistakes
littering laundry across speckled floor.
Soft spoken leaned against balcony bars,
disappointment glittered sarcastic,
I'm sorry.

Starting another blog was silly, this will always be my first baby.
Love you,

Thursday, May 17, 2012

the internet isn't real

I'm still going to try to update this periodically, but from here on out it's likely that I'll be moving over to wordpress, if only because I don't understand how this new blogspot format works :p I don't wanna give classyandlit up though since it's been going for two and a half years now.

I love you, I know I'll talk to you soon,

Monday, April 2, 2012

set fire

Disclaimer — I’m sorry if this pisses anyone off. If it does, it’s my opinion. Sorry. If it bothers you too much, you can just unfollow me, I will not be offended.
Today, I heard one of the most repulsive things that I have ever heard in my entire life. First I should start off by explaining a fiasco from last semester. I interviewed this guy who seemed really fucking weird but ultimately harmless about this modesty club he started. He’d never been to a party in his entire life and when he saw me he said he thought I’d look “more attentive” (what the fuck?), but he wasn’t rude or anything after that and he didn’t say anything too crazy so I wrote up a q&a with him and it ran on the front page. Needless to say I should have googled him, because the next day there were pictures of him on the West Mall (an area of heavy traffic on campus) holding a sign that literally said “WOMEN BELONG IN THE KITCHEN”… and he was completely serious. Turns out the asshole was a raging sexist with ridiculous backwards ideals and I’m lucky I didn’t get my ass fired after the backlash.Now that everyone’s heard that horrible memory, I can move on to something even more revolting. Today I was sitting outside at the student union eating Chick-Fil-A and reading Rosencrantz & Guidenstern for my English class when I look over and who do I fucking see but Ralph* the Sexist Asshole, with a magazine reporter (God help her). So Ralph has a friend with him this time, Chelsea*, and she sits down next to me with another reporter to talk about traditional ideals. She started off by explaining that she was more traditional than Ralph, so I obviously eavesdropped. Turns out, this girl is honest to god dropping out of UT’s pre-med program three years in because she believes that while it’s okay for women to be educated, maybe even formally, that “God didn’t intend for women to be on the same level as men.”
Everyone, just let that soak in for a second. 
This woman has the potential to be successful. She is obviously intelligent because people don’t just get in to UT’s pre-med program, and she was also pursuing a degree in liberal arts so it’s not like she’s limited mentally, which absolutely fucking baffles me because how can you honestly think that because you have a vagina, Jesus wants you to bear children and make sandwiches for the rest of your life? God help this bitches kids because lord forbid one of the girls has the good sense to want a college degree, or one of the boys wants to marry a girl with the good sense to want a college degree. Not only is she wasting thousands and thousands of her or her parents’ dollars so that she can follow “God’s will,” she’s missing a very important point — WHY WOULD GOD HAVE MADE WOMEN INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO BE ON PAR WITH MEN IF HE DIDN’T WANT US TO BE ON PAR WITH MEN. Hello, your logic is fucking flawed. 
Now, don’t get me wrong — I love God. I believe in Him, I pray, I’m in a fucking catholic sorority. But I also drink, I like boys, I have a good time, and now this girl wants me to think that among all the other things I do wrong, I can add my education to the list. I honestly think that God, the God that christians and jews and muslims and whoever else pray to, loves you and basically just wants you to love him too, and as long as you try to do the right thing and be a kind person, you are probably going to heaven, or at least purgatory which is basically just a waiting room for heaven anyway. I get that the bible has a lot of rules but frankly, God didn’t write the bible; people did. Granted he gets quoted a lot, but do you really think that all of those rules came from him? Consider the fact that it was literally 2,000 years ago and maybe, just maybe, some of those people who wrote down the bible for the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit may have just added in a couple of their own 2,000 year old ideals as well. 
Everyone’s entitled to their opinions, but it just makes me really angry and sad that there is a girl who is snuffing out a bright future because somewhere along the line asshole told her Jesus didn’t think she deserved it.

Much love,

Sunday, April 1, 2012

hey sugar

I came up with a new book idea, it'll take a year to write and it'll be done on my 21st birthday, or the day before, or the day after. It will either make me more money than I could possibly spend, or it will bring me nothing but ridicule, both malicious and non. That's all I'm telling you about it. :) Meanwhile, I'm still working on the book I was already working on, and I've been writing some poetry. Also, I bartended a party last night and it was wonderful — I cannot wait until I work in a bar over summer.
I finished reading the Old Man and the Sea today. It was the saddest in the world and it was wonderful. My first Hemingway experience was a pleasant one. I'm not sure what I'm reading next but I'm leaning towards Faulkner or Kerouac. 

Much Love,

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I run this


I have two blogs along with, of course, my facebook and twitter. There's this one, my original baby, and then my tumblr which started off as an online compilation of my work and turned into me posting writing quotes and music videos of whatever song is stuck in my head that day. I'm also considering opening a wordpress because I'm really lame and I honestly enjoy blogging that much even though no one reads any of it hahahh. That being said, I think I'm going to start doing that fancy vlogging thingie. I'm not sure what about yet? I'm also not sure when I'll start posting? I'm also not sure if it'll be interesting in the least bit? Hahh it may be really terrible, but it seems like a natural transition. 
Basically, I just want feedback on whether you want me to upload the videos to my blogspot account as well hahh. Text me or comment or whatever else if you do.

On another note, I really love Tom Stoppard. Rosencrantz and Guildensterns banter is wonderful.
Hahh, much love,

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I like it when you

Lol sorry for the drunk post last night. A culmination of several people being rude and several events not going in my favor made me a bit too annoyed.

For the record, every time I think I hate people, something small always happens to remind me exactly how much it is that I love them.


talk dirty

I love people. I am fascinated by them.

But honestly,
there are particular times where I hate absolutely nothing more than people.


Thursday, March 22, 2012

say you'll remember

I'm up late writing a paper and I'm having so much difficulty actually writing the paper. I cannot stop listening to Lana Del Rey. Despite everyone who hates on her, she sings some really beautiful things.
I mentioned in my last post, one of my poems is getting published in a literary journal and I'm reading it at the release event. Someone thinks something I wrote creatively is good enough to publish — I'm thrilled. This is a turning point. The thing is, though, that I submitted more than one poem, and I personally don't even like the one they chose to publish. I thought there were poems of a much higher quality that they could've chosen. Why the one I don't like? Does it mean that I don't know what's good in terms of what I produce? That my perception of my own talent is warped? Was it a fluke? The poem doesn't mean anything in particular — it's a metaphor about bitchy people that I wrote over a year ago after a friend of mine said something entirely inappropriate to the boy I was in love with. I honestly had to think to remember what even prompted my writing it. Maybe I don't realize what's worth publishing?
My horoscope today says that it will be fast-paced, which is true. I have an essay and a reading journal due at 8 a.m., another essay due at 2 p.m., class at 3:30 then a test at 5:15. I supposedly will feel mentally restless, impatient, and overly eager to get your own ideas across, which does not seem entirely farfetched.
It also says that a situation may arise which requires me to say what is on my mind, to make a decision, or to clearly voice my personal opinion on some issue. All I have to say is that I fucking hope so because it has been way too long since I've said what was on my mind and I really need an excuse. I am sorely failing at my lenten promise to be more honest, or probably more accurately, to keep less secrets.

Endless love,

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I buy my own

Sorry for the depressing last post.
Guess who has her first poetry reading on May 12th! It's at the Farmer's Market on 4th and Guadalupe in Austin from 11:30 a.m. to 1 p.m., if you're in the area, for the release of UT's 2012 issue of the Hot House Literary Journal. I'm in a really good mood right nao.
Things are looking up, I think :)

Much, Much Love, and the promise of a more substantial post very soon,

Monday, March 5, 2012

adderall and redbull

I want to get out of here.
I want to go to Europe now. Not in a year for study abroad. Right now. I want to meet a beautiful Scottish boy who will take me to the shore and hold me when I'm cold. I want to lay on the lawn at Oxford and write wonderful, fabulous poetry that people will read in 2337. Or I want to go three years into the future when I'm in law school in Boston. I want an apartment in New York City, I want to spend a year in Paris. I want to get out of here now.
I am so absolutely frustrated.
Girls are so mean.

Monday, February 20, 2012

hotel song

Revelation: I have more fun when I don't tie myself to silly pretenses and petty but unreasonably intense jealousies. I make more new friends when I stop trying to make friends.

I'm going to give up lying for lent.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

come morning light

I woke up early enough that it was still before my class, but late enough so that if I had actually gone to class I would have been forty minutes late. I'm sitting on my couch with a fresh cup of coffee and Nala, the cat my roommate got over winter break who I absolutely adore, about to do some writing for my Hamlet class which I suppose I should be sitting in right now. It's overcast and there aren't any lights on but the window from the balcony is bright enough and I'm too lazy to move :p
The other day I was going over my characters, trying to fill them out and figure them out, and I spent what is probably a really ridiculous amount of time looking up and looking over birth charts for two of the main ones. Is it weird to steal someone else's astrological birth chart and give it to a fictional character? Because that's what I'm doing.
I go through these phases of fascination with astrology. Here's the thing — I don't believe in those daily horoscope things in magazines because I've worked for publications and I understand that actually, the person writing them is not reading the stars. I think though, that some of the personality stuff, like the really in-depth analysis of the different sun signs and various other things, is more often than not pretty spot on. For instance, I'm a Gemini, and I rarely meet people more duplicit than myself. I just think there's something to be said for it — after all, if you think that there's something, anything really that's out there governing the universe, something bigger than us, then I don't see why astrology is so silly.
I plan on spending the day being academic and working more on character development. Please hold me to that. The above photo shows me and Nala reading the Night Circus on my Nook, which you should also do if you haven't already. Except you should do it on your own nook... or just buy the book. And get your own cat to read it with. P.s. Taylor Swift's new music video for Safe & Sound, the song she did with the Civil Wars for the Hunger Games soundtrack, is eery and ethereal and wonderful, please go watch it. P.s.s. I cannot express my excitement for when the Hunger Games hits the bigscreen. If you haven't read it, please go do so, I PROMISE it is actually that good.

I love you, I'll be back soon,

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

brightly dusted

When we met I was on my back,
I swear we spent most afternoons somewhere in the act.
We were part of something ours and ours alone,
anywhere was home.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Look at you

Spent most of today sleeping, researching my birth chart and not going to class. Wanna know way more about me than you actually want to know?

"Rising Sign is in 26 Degrees Cancer
Very sensitive by nature, you prefer to be in your own familiar surroundings. Cautious and conservative, you make changes in your life only very slowly, if at all. You do not open up easily to strangers. Friendships are made for life, however -- once given, your trust is forever. Your mother, your home as a child and your early family life in general are very important to you. You are also very sentimental. When you feel self- confident, you are gentle, giving and protective of the needs of others. But when you feel insecure or threatened, you become overly sensitive to criticism, shy, withdrawn and moody. You have a strong need for security -- in the sense that you are being loved, nourished and protected.

Sun is in 21 Degrees Gemini.
You have a quick, bright and agile mind, but an extremely short attention span. You love the external, kaleidoscopic aspects of life, but you tend to avoid (and even fear) deep, close emotional involvements. As such, you seem to enjoy travel and sightseeing and generally being "on-the-go." You get quite listless when things around you become static and dull, but your excitement returns whenever you are stimulated by a new idea. Chatty, inquisitive and quite playful, you enjoy practical jokes and games in general. Your moods change quickly and often -- you are very restless and constantly in motion. You are known for your versatility and adaptability. Your vivaciousness enlivens any social gathering.

Moon is in 21 Degrees Scorpio.
Your feelings are very intense, never superficial. You tend to be either very angry or very sad or completely and totally happy. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. Emotionally, you tend to prefer to live at the cutting edge of life, pushing your reactions to the ultimate extremes, even if the results are dangerous or upsetting. You are easily jealous and very suspicious -- you require a great deal of emotional reassurance. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others.

Mercury is in 05 Degrees Cancer.
Your emotions tend to rule your thought processes. You have difficulty seeing life objectively. You have an excellent memory, especially about things to which you have formed an emotional bond. You prefer ideas and thoughts that are known and familiar, and therefore tend to dislike fads or radical ideas. The beliefs and traditions of your family and culture are very important to you. Your thinking becomes quite unclear when you are emotionally shaken -- try not to make major decisions when you are upset. Let things calm down first.

Venus is in 21 Degrees Gemini.
You are friendly, warm, open and tolerant toward others. You love variety in relationships, indeed you may even prefer to maintain more than one relationship at a time! Very witty and humorous, you have the ability to amuse and please others. This makes you quite popular. You love to play the field and thus find it difficult to settle down and make any deep emotional commitments. Your innate charm and vivacity makes you welcome most everywhere you go.

Mars is in 28 Degrees Aries.
You are very independent and self-assertive, and you have lots of physical energy. You are not satisfied unless you can be the first to do something. As such, you are more comfortable in leadership positions than you are as an underling. When you are challenged by anyone for anything, you delight in the competitive process and will fight long and hard for your beliefs. You are bold and courageous and often act without thinking. At times, in your zeal to get ahead, you are tactless and offensive -- learn that cooperation with others can often bring you nearer to your goals quicker because of the support you will get.

Jupiter is in 07 Degrees Virgo.
You feel most expansive and at ease with yourself when you are doing something that you consider to be practical or useful. You enjoy being dutiful and carrying out responsibilities. You gladly take on the little tasks that others seem to want to avoid. At times, you carry things to extremes and feel guilty anytime you do something that you consider to be self-indulgent. While it is appropriate for you to demand little for yourself in life, try to loosen up once in a while -- go out on a fling and enjoy yourself!

Saturn is in 18 Degrees Aquarius.
Your personal sense of values is a reflection of the value structures of your peer group and of those you respect and admire. Try to be more critical in your acceptance of these values -- you tend to prejudge the abilities of those you trust and then follow what they say blindly. Basically very conservative, you prefer orderly, systematic changes and fear doing things rashly or impulsively. Ideas and philosophies must have some sort of immediately realizable, utilitarian function in order for you to pay any attention to them.

Uranus is in 17 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society's attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.

Neptune is in 18 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 20 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 00 Degrees Capricorn.
You rarely get involved closely with anyone unless he or she has something specific and practical to offer you. You tend to be "all business" when it comes to dealing with others. You're usually so intently focused on a particular goal that you rarely have time for social niceties or casual fellowship. But you can definitely be counted on by others to get things done. When you say that you'll do something, you do it. As such, you're a valuable member of any team situation and will probably rise to a position of leadership within the group. Your trustworthiness and sense of responsibility are unquestioned. But do try to avoid the temptation to "use" others to reach your goals -- they might come to resent you."

Much Love,

Monday, February 6, 2012

I'm not crazy

I spent last night sipping dos equis and jack daniels while doing heavy maintenance on my various social networking sites, editing and submitting literally eighteen original poems to a yearly literary journal called Hot House that runs out of the English department at UT, watching the ever-adorable annual puppy bowl and playing private investigator on the bio-dad. 
There are things I need to know about myself. Speaking about myself, 
I may have already posted this at some point, it's a year and some odd months old now. That being said, I went over it and did some edits last night and it speaks to me presently a bit more than it did when I wrote it,

Life of Fiction

Pens, pencils, sharpies,
highlighters, far too many flashdrives
to ever really be necessary
a broken lamp cover
picture frame upon picture frame
a drawer with a box full of notebooks
moleskins full of words that still need typing
and edit after edit
and nothing ever really gets done around here.

I shove homework where I can't see it
school is not as important as this
family does not mean as much as this
not friends, not careers, not life
nothing makes a heart beat quite as forcefully
as a burst of inspiration
as typing the paragraph
that will become 1k
then 2k
then page after page of obsession
characters fill dreams at night.
Déjà vu comes from novels you've started and stopped
and eating doesn't seem all that important
when you could be holed up in a dimly lit room,
creating a world you never knew you craved.

You have meetings, you have class
you go back a week later and it hits you,
God, was I really going to publish this shit?

Print. Crumple for Closure. Hide it in a file you avoid.
Maybe pretend to live for a week,
and then,
back at my desk.
Clutter, clutter, clutter,
far too many flashdrives to ever really be necessary,
the desk where the sun shines in from the balcony window.

I promise you that one day my name will be household. 
Much love, 


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

slipping under

Sometimes what you want finds you.
"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery, 
and I promise you, something great will come of it."

I actually am changing my major this time.
Tons and tons of love and adoration,

Monday, January 16, 2012

spinning in her ears

I don't remember the blog post below this — thank God for gin&tonic.
Just wanted to let y'all know! Love,

too much time

Things I believe in
time to breath
feeling welcomes 
legitimately funny people
being in love.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

i wanna talk to you

Before I knew how to be funny, I asked this kid named Jack how he did it so well. He told me to tell stories, and I told him I didn't have any, and he told me he didn't either, so he just made boring shit into a funny story, and that I should too. It was solidly one of the best pieces of advice that I've ever gotten.
I tweeted my first real tweet today!
Also, there might seriously not be anything I love more than angry birds.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

i can dissapear

Oh Earth, what changes hast thou seen!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Who will survive in America?

Last night at midnight, while piles of glitter floated onto the mass of drunk bitches behind me, I found myself alone on my friend Helena's balcony. At the time my intent was to avoid several people, but the more I consider it,  I was probably actually avoiding temptations I would have, things I would do simply because I didn't have the willpower not to. I chugged a plastic wine glass of champagne and looked at the moon when the clock hit midnight, waited for the glitter to fall and the cheers to stop, and then my moment of silence was over and the party sucked me back in like a vacuum, like I'd never been gone.
I've been having trouble thinking of decent resolutions this year — everything I say sounds corny and typical, like "get good grades" and "go running more often." Those are filler resolutions, things you say when you don't know what changes you would really like to make, what kind of efforts you really deserve to put on your shoulders. I thought maybe if I made a list on here, I would feel held accountable, but to be honest I don't feel any obligation. Last night while I was out on that balcony, I tried so hard for those few seconds to tell myself that I was shaking of bad 2011 chakra, that I was letting go and moving on and forgetting, but I was lying to myself. I was mourning.
Too much happened last year. Death, pain, betrayal, injury, losing who I was. It's funny because you would think my reaction to the New Year would be happy but it means that time is passing, that these things really happened, and they're behind me. That I may start to forget. 
Resolutions are excuses to not face the past, but the past created us. If we forget, we'll never really grow, and we certainly won't get any stronger. Making false promises at the beginning of every year is nothing but a flighty attempt at consoling ourselves for how shitty life can be sometimes, and I'm not having any more of it. Fuck New Years Resolutions — I will spend the next year remembering 2011 and the mistakes I made so that I won't make them again. Why do I have to put that on a bullet point list? 
I am done letting people take whats mine. I am done worrying, and I am done forgetting how fucking amazing and beautiful and smart and entirely capable I am and letting myself fall backwards to average. I will not push the past under the rug — I will let it make me strong again and let it make me feel alive, so  next year I can dance under the glitter rain with everyone else when the clock strikes twelve.

Happy 2012,