The Downlow

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austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

the classy do not need smoke and mirrors.

That picture is vague, but it reminds me that for one reason or another there are a few particular people who I can go years without talking to, but still feel as though I'm related to. It's funny, because it was taken at the house of a family that mine used to be very close with, and somehow I really feel like if I showed up on their doorstep right now they would let me in and feed me even though I haven't talked to the majority of them since I was fifteen. I helped paint that wagon. I like to be reminded that bonds strengthen with time. It was just such a long time ago, for some reason I'm feeling nostalgic.
It's funny, because at the beginning of this year I was informed that in the previous year I had made some very dire mistakes. I hadn't realized what I'd been doing, but I was basically just a very neglectful and detached person, and it became very apparent that I was going to lose some things that were very important to me if I didn't schooch my booty in the direction of the emotions I was actually feeling. This year I've been doing a lot of thinking about the people that I'm close with and basically just the vibes I give off and how that might affect my friend making skills, and I've realized two things.
The first is that I really don't like aggressive and unpleasant people. That doesn't sound like a huge realization to make, but it didn't really hit me until this year how entirely lucky I am to be surrounded by people who just want to laugh together. I am in high school, and I feel it is an accomplishment on the part of several people, including myself, for me to be able to say that no, I have never fought with my best friends, please don't pass out from the shock. I feel like I bring this up too often, but sometimes I just think about my friends and wonder how on earth I ended up with such good people backing me up.
The second thing I've realized is that my whole life I've been very strong in the belief that one should simply be one's self in order to acquire new friends, but I've been kind of a hypocrite. This one didn't become as apparent until recently, but ultimately what it come down to is that, I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of quirky. Or crazy. Up until now, my strategy has been to ease people into my personality, because it's a lot to handle. I've come to the conclusion, however, that the best friends I have are the ones who I just sprung it on right off the bat, and they seem to like me just fine. So, I've devised a new strategy, which I've begun testing out- the springing method. No more easing, because in college no one will know what I'm like, so I might as well make it obvious.
Writing writing writing writing has been on my brain constantly. It's really upsetting, because there's only twenty four hours in a day and I need to sleep for two of them at least, usually, but I would much rather spend that time writing. I really feel like this is it. Not that I haven't felt that before, but something about this one just feels real. I went out on a limb this week and let someone read an unedited copy, which I later punched myself in the face for because I went through it and edits were direly needed, but I was given reassurance, and somehow it just feels more tangible now. I think having a flash drive helps- I've been working in the back at work in my spare time. I just wish that there were more hours in a day, because high school is not real but this is and I just feel like I need to focus more attention on it. It's hard to explain, but it's exhilarating.
Also, abrupt subject change. I just want to say that I managed to go for sixteen years without boy problems, and around my seventeenth birthday they basically smacked me in the face. Not like a little backhand, more like they tried to knock me out with a hammer. I don't want to sound whiny, and I don't want to overreact, but I feel like it needs to be said that lying to a girl to her face and giving her maybefalsemaybetrue signals are not the way to get in her pants, or any article of clothing really. Also, getting her friends to lie to her is definitely not a turn on. For future reference: some girls need guys to hang off of, but some of them don't. I'm assuming if you're looking to get with a girl, you want the latter category. If so, plz don't be deceitful, thanks, because otherwise getting any will not be something you can list in your activities section on facebook.
If you are reading this, I love you. Like, really. I hope you dream of forests and your favorite animals. My eyes are unusually droopy at the moment, I don't really know what's up with that but I need a minute to decide if I'm going to sleep or not. Wish me luck on the flip side, I'll be back soon.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

the classy require alone time.

So I'm back. I would like to apologize for being gone for so long, and assure everyone that yes, I am indeed alive. My week has been eventful. I feel like that picture was taken a million years ago and two days ago both at once- a lot has changed since then.
I did not get the internship. I freaked out the night I found out, but I think I'm okay now. I know it happened for a reason, and I have a feeling I know what the reason is. If things are going to turn out the way I think they are now, I'm perfectly okay with it. Sometimes I guess the plot of my life, like I do when I watch Law & Order, and right now I hope I'm right as often as I am with the show.
Everything clicked a few nights ago, and I think I know what's going on now. With writing, I mean. It, whatever it is, is going to be based on my perpetually trippy dreams, a few in particular, and I'm taking inspiration from Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland, along with John Steinbeck and Ray Bradbury, as always. I already know the ending, too, which is good, because usually my problem is that I get really good plot ideas but don't know how to end them. I have a pretty good idea of how this is going to roll, so keep your fingers crossed.
I just want to say that the world is full of whiny bitches, and I am sick and tired of unpleasant people. I have no desire to spend my time with people who are rude/aggressive/depressing, and I'm not going to. Done and done. Buck up or shove out.
I hope everyone's weekend is really good. I'll write again soon. I'm pretty sure I said that last entry, but this time I mean it. Mostly because I'm so excited about whatever it is that's taking up gig space on my flash drive in the form of word documents.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

the classy grow weary too.

For lent, I'm going to go jogging every day. There is a thirty seven percent chance that I will fail, and a sixty three percent chance that I am going to look even hotter than I already do at the end of forty days and forty nights. Everyone keep your hopes up for the latter.
I got a free flash drive this week from a college function. I'm not going to that particular college, but it's one gig
I didn't have. Get excited, I've gone portable! It's not a particularly exciting story, but the prospect of being able to carry files from my laptop to school is really shiny and new to me. Before I got my hands on my new baby, I had to find a way to transfer files to the desktop, take a time machine back to the stone age, and use a floppy disk, or save them online on an account I could access from school. A flash drive is much easier.
Speaking of computer files, I had a little bit of a breakthrough. After delving into the many folders of writing I've accumulated over the years, I found three basic plot patterns I tend to follow and a few basic characters that seem to pop up pretty frequently. They never have the same name, but they're very obviously the same people, and I have a feeling that they're going to play a large part in whatever it is that I end up publishing.
Keeping all of this in mind, I had no idea what I was going to do with them. Plot right now is very all over the place. I know events that I want to happen, but the order is out the window. Luckily enough for me, I have a friend who is a writer, and after reading something she'd typed up, it hit me. It's weird, because it wasn't really her plot line that did it, but it made me think of something, and then suddenly everything clicked. Things are a little more solid in my head now, which is good.
On another note, I want everyone to stop what they're doing right now and go YouTube "rusty the narcoleptic dog music video." We watched it in my psychology class today, and I laughed for like ten hours. Just putting that one out there.
Jay and Zay have made it very apparent that they do not want to be referred to as Jay and Zay, and have demanded pen names. Jay will now be known as Sebastian, and Zay will be known as Ezekial. Fun fact, my new name is Zander. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my first girl crush, just putting that one out there. I hope everyone understand why those two things are relevant to one another.
I don't really have anything that I want to rant or rave about at the moment. I'm just happy that things are working themselves out in my head, I really like knowing what's going on up there. Sometimes those things kind of get away from me, and it's really a good feeling when they finally come home.
I might go fall asleep. I'm probably going to write.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


I'm spending valentine's day with my girls later.
Tonight there are a lot of things I wish I didn't need to say.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


The snow is all starting to melt :( Today I walked out of my work to go across the street for a water bottle, and water was literally gushing out of the storm drains. Also, my work flooded last night. Not because of the storm, but because of the pizza place next door. Cool?
This morning though, there was snow everywhere. It was weird- I would look out, and for a half second my brain would try to figure out where the color went. There's something really strange about looking around in Texas and only being able to see white. It was just so bright and surreal, I honestly had a lot of trouble comprehending it. I was just looking at the snow and thinking, what is that stuff really, and why is it here? It was very unusual. I guess that makes me southern?
That is a picture of a rabbit I saw hiding in a snow dune yesterday. I was taking a walk in the snow after I woke up, and I looked next to me, and there it was. At first I thought it was a rock, but then I looked closer and I realized I'd never seen a rock look that frightened before. It made me realize how glad I was that I could get out of the cold- plants and animals have to stay outside all night while we curl up under the covers. It just made me kind of sad for a little bit, but the rabbit was absolutely adorable and perfect.
I broke 1K last night, on whatever it is I've been typing. I was proud of myself. Starting it was weird, because the file had originally been written in first person, so I tried changing it to third person, and it just completely ruined the effect. I had the hardest time figuring out what I was going to do, but I think I worked it out quite nicely, and the whateveritis is officially in third person, just not the first part, sort of. It's going well, and my character that I'm working on at the moment is developing quite nicely, thank you for asking :)
I think I have a love hate relationship with the human race. I definitely have a hate relationship with retail. Today my coworker left the store for like an hour and a half to go out to lunch, and immediately upon her leaving like eight people came in and it was just all over the place. So I started thinking about how rude some people can be, really, because a lot of them are jerks, but I had a hard time saying I hated them, because I don't think I actually hate anything, except vegetables and school buses and chemistry and now retail. But even those things have provided me with memories that I seriously doubt I will ever want to get rid of. Except vegetables, those have provided me with nothing but disgust. There's a grand total of two things in my life that I actually hate, vegetable being one, the other remaining unnamed on the interweb, but I can honestly say that people, while not exactly being on my good list, are not on my hated list either. Mostly because I love them too much. I also love people visiting me at my job- if you know where I work, come see me. It really does brighten my day.
Tonight a friend and I went on a shopping trip and purchased a close friend of mine some birthday presents. She is now the proud new owner of a glitter vibrator and a 41" Katana sword. Everyone, this is your cue to be jealous.
I think I pulled a muscle in my chest. Every time I move my arms, my cardiac region aches. It's not so much painful as it is strange. Also, I've felt nauseous all night, but I've eaten just as unhealthily and frequently as I normally do, and I haven't gotten sick yet, so hopefully I'm not dying. I think it's going to pass in a few hours.
I saw Wolfman tonight. It was funny and disgusting. I liked it. I did not, however, think the main character was as wildly attractive as everyone else seems to. I don't remember his name, but he looked really cracked out and his eyelid pudge was way too droopy for my liking. Eckhh.
I am either going to sleep or reading or writing or doing my precal homework, or doing something else entirely. I hope you are all having a wonderful night. This morning I woke up on the couch and realized I hadn't slept in my bed the night before at all- hope that the same thing doesn't happen to me again, because I don't think my neck could take it.
Sleep well,

Thursday, February 11, 2010

classy is a privilege, not a birthright.

I'm @ work right now. I work at a swim shop, but hey, I don't swim! I know you're all wondering, and the answer is yes, my job is indeed classy, glamorous, and out of your leagues. Hahh, oh wait, just kidding.
Today was snowy, but not a snow day. After second period there was a school wide snow fight, during which I drastically improved my day and ruined my shirt. When I got to orchestra, the sub told us we weren't allowed to leave, after which we promptly exited the building to go construct a snow man in the image of our director while tackling each other in the snowy fields. I can honestly say that today was one of the most productive days that I have had all semester, and something deep down tells me they're going to start going back downhill from here.
I don't get mad about things very often. I'm actually usually a very happen person, I yell a lot and I like hugs. This week, though, I've gotten pissed off more than usual, and I wasn't PMSing or anything. Maybe it's because it was deadline week, but I think up until now I've been overlooking some things about people that temperamental me just noticed, and I'm starting to become bothered. Treat people how you would like to be treated. Do people really not remember the golden rule?
Also, please keep it classy with your hoes. Specific incidents will not be mentioned here for very specific reasons, but I will say this- I've been fortunate enough to come upon some really good friends. I'm only close to a couple of people, but they are the only thing that's kept me from going a lot crazier than I already have. Sometimes I forget how unpleasant people can be because I don't have to deal with that a lot, until someone new comes into the picture and reminds me, and then I move them back out of my picture. I don't like putting up with people or watching my friends put up with people, and if I don't absolutely have to then I won't. I definitely have ninety nine problem and a bitch should not be one.
We have off school tomorrow, and Monday is a teacher work day, so I have a four day weekend this week. I plan on writing/cleaningish/doing birthday things for Zay the entire time. There will be quite a bit more written this weekend, I will inform you of the progress as soon as I know what it is. I would like to think that things are moving along quite nicely :)
Oh, I deleted my twitter, because I was ashamed of it. And my tumblr, because it's lame. The URL list from my last post is outdated. I do, however, continue to have and use my formspring, and I also continue to have a facebook, which I am continuing to not post the web address for :)
I hope everyone is having a really good day. Despite my bitch rant, I've been having a really awesome day today. Something about having it snow for literally the entire day in Texas makes everything seem a little less real. It's supposed to snow like eight inches but I think had already snowed that much like six hours ago. Maybe that's because I've never seen it really snow like this? My school district is pretty notorious for not shutting down ever so I'm really excited about tomorrow!
I'm sure this weekend will be wildly productive and full of facebook tags. I hope yours is the same. Happy weather! :) and sorry for all the emoticons.
BTW Those flannel pants were on my work's register computer. They are also what I wish I were wearing. Enjoy?

Monday, February 8, 2010

the classy know where they are.

That is a picture of some eyes. Sketchy? Yes. Classy? Def. Guess where. Just keep guessing.
Today has made me happy and all over the place. I sunk really low tonight and got a twitter, still not sure how I feel about that. I had a lot more to say an hour ago.
I wish people understood what it meant to be objective. I mean really, is it so hard to step back from everything for just a second? It's getting to the point of self centerdness. If you can't pull back from your own personal biases for a half second and look through someone else's eyes, then I don't know how you ever expect to get anything done. To be honest, if you want to weedle things into going your way, the first thing you're going to have to do is figure out how everyone thinks and minipulate that to work for you. Things are simple once you start looking at how other people are going to react.
So did anyone else know that firefox has like a built in spell check thing? and that it says that firefox is spelled wrong, every time I type it? Weird, but at least I'm spelling things right now, because apparently I wasn't before.
For those of you who were still wondering how my group did at solo and ensemble, because I know that's the first thing on everyone's minds, my quartet rated excellent. Which is good. Thanks for caring, if you did.
You know what's especially nice? I havn't ever really had any friends who write who I've talked to more than once a week until this year, and I think it's helping the character thing along. Also, if you're reading this and saying to yourself, gee, what about me? It's probably because I don't consider badly written poetry when I discuss writing. Because you know, you can tell yourself you have all the talent in the world, but that'll never mean you do. You either have it or you don't.
Which brings me to another point. I really wish people would start becoming more aware of what they are and aren't good at. I, for one, am more than aware of my flaws, which I do, indeed, have many of. In fact, I'm kind of fond of a lot of them, which is probably a flaw in itself. I know I'm talented in certain areas, and I don't care that I'm not talented in others. If your not good at something, stop doing it. Start doing something else. It's a really simple formula for success. If you are good at something, I see no reason why you should have any inhibitions about flaunting it.
You see, in my personal opinion, what seperates us from animals is that we are all born intrinsically talented. Some of us lose it, growing up, which leads us to believe that we aren't. Let me assure you, that is a lie. You have some kind of talent, something you were born to do, I promise. One day you are going to pick up an instrument or a paintbrush or a computer or a hacky sack and other people are going to stop and stare, and wish they could be more like you.
When you find out what you're supposed to be doing, trust me, you'll know. I really dislike it when people try forcing themselves into talent. When you start doing what you're good at, it'll come naturally. Please don't force it, because all you're doing is pissing people off, leading others on, and letting yourself get distracted from what you should be searching for. That's really all anyones doing is searching, and if they're not searching then they've found what they're looking for. It's not a difficult concept to stomach. If everyone would stop caring what other people thought for a little bit, the world would be a much more tolerable place to love in.
I just want to read and write and form sentences for the rest of my life. Words are all I can do with myself sometimes, and today was one of those days. Maybe I should write things I'm being graded for, now? I actually wrote down some character stuff today, instead of just thinking about it. I think I'm moving along nicely!
I hope everyone's day went well. I'll keep posting more often.
laave laave laave,

dear everyone,
I have a facebook, but you don't get to see it just yet :)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

the classy are not immune to distractions.

This week has been really good and really bad in about twenty different ways. It occurs to me who I do and don't care about, and just how much I do and don't care. I've been thinking too much about college and not enough about why I'm going to it. Which is to write, by the way. I've gotten into eight schools, and I'm waiting to hear back from a ninth. I think I finally decided where I want to go, and I think I'm going to double major in journalism and comparative literature, and maybe minor in music or history. Hopefully, assuming money allows it, I'll be a few states away from Texas in the fall. Also, I work at a summer camp every summer, but it's starting to look like this year I'll be staying home.
That is a picture of my violin, Rondo from K159 by Mozart, a Motorola razor that I've had since the tenth grade, and a scenic view of beautiful suburbia. I was in a middle school auditorium yesterday for solo and ensemble competition, which, indeed, is the location of this photo. I promise I wasn't just there by myself, I just got the picture at an angle that happens to exclude everyone else in the room. Go figure. In case you're curious, I think my ensemble did well. I'll let you know when I figure out how we scored.
Have you ever wished you could google pictures? The worst is when you look at a picture you see somewhere and think to yourself, gee, I wonder what that is, maybe I'll google it, only to realize that there's no way you could transpose that photograph into something that a google search bar would deem intelligible. Oh, the many hardships of life and research.
Today, my coworker, who's in graduate school for speech therapy, gave me this therapy test session thing for practice, and I don't think I've ever felt smarter, or stupider. Just saying. I hate those things where you have to read of the color of a word that says a different color.
The Superbowl is on this weekend and I could honestly care less. I think it's on TV right now? I'm going to a skit rehearsal for church in a few hours and I don't plan on watching anything football related tonight, except maybe some commercials. Those are fun. I bought some books this week that I plan on delving into tonight, along with finishing my psychology homework, which I have a lot for, and maybe reading for English. maybe.
Speaking of books I bought this week, Voltaire is currently warping my brain. You see, I have a hard time making myself read books that are required. Don't get me wrong, I read a lot- just not when I'm forced. There are, however, rare occasions in which I will begin reading a book for English and will be absolutely unable to put it down because it's so perfect. This is how I developed my affections for John Steinbeck and Ray Bradbury. Last year, I read most of all of the books in class, because they were mostly from more recent literary movement, and the vast majority of them were written in prose, which I definitely have a preference for. This year we've been reading a lot of epic poetry from more ancient time periods, which I have a harder time concentrating on. I haven't finished a single book we've been assigned this year, and I've only ever gotten around to starting a few. Recently though, we've been moving forward along the linguistic/artistic timeline, and after we're through reading Paradise Lost, which has an amazing plot line, by the way, but way to much verse for me to stomach, we're reading Candide by Voltaire. It came out in the 1750's, and at first Voltaire refused to admit he wrote it because, at the time, it was probably both the funniest and most offensive novel ever written. It's absolutely hysterical, I can't stop reading it and we don't even have to start for another like, two or three weeks.
It basically about this idiot named Candide who gets kicked out of his castle, and convinces himself that everything is happening for the greater good despite how undeniably awful his life keeps on getting. It's interesting, because I believe absolutely and completely that everything happens for a reason, so I'm exactly the kind of person who this book pokes fun at, but it's still so hard to put it down.
I've gotten all my stuff together for my internship application, in case you were wondering. All of my writing examples are set up in a cute little binder with my resume and cover letter, and I'm ready to be impressive.
Writing has been slow but steady. I'm still functioning off of the older files I've come across, and nothing too terribly exciting is going on except a few gears turning in my head. It's all necessary, though. I'll keep updating.
I'm trying to blog every two days or so, which hasn't been happening lately, but I promise I'll try harder. I really feel like it helps me get some of the words out of my head. I feel like these are getting longer and longer every time I update.
I hope this week goes well for everyone. Expect to hear back from me tomorrow or Tuesday. If you don't, I give you permission to write me an angry letter.


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

not even the classiest call themselves perfect.

I know I haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry! I've been crazy busy. That's not a very good excuse, but it's what I've got. Things are going pretty interestingly, though!
First off on my list of news, I'm finally remembering to bring my punch card with me to escape, which is good because I've been there like ten freaking times since I got the punch card so I would already be sipping on my free pomegranate green tea with bubbles if my memory weren't so lacking. Just saying. I have five punches now, four more to go and I'm getting my hands on some free merchandise!
Secondly, and more importantly, the opportunity of a lifetime has arisen in my humble town! For me, I mean. Sorry if you were getting excited. Either way, I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm Editor in Chief of my school newspaper. If I haven't, and there's a very real chance that I didn't, now you know. As you can probably figure out, I am very into journalism, alongside my passion for novelism. Novel writing? A novelistic career? There are just so many ways to say it.
Anyway, a major local newspaper is looking for interns. Guess who's applying. Just guess.
Also, if you could, remind me to study up on my Japanese. I don't think I've ranted yet on the vast amount of languages I want to learn before I turn twenty seven (I think there's about eight?), but Japanese and German are first on the list, mostly because they're the two countries I'm most interested in living in. I'm teaching myself, and last year I went on this kick where I studied for roughly two hours every night, but this year I've been lacking, and I didn't realize how much until very recently. I need to catch up with the rest of the Japanese learning community!
Writing is going well. I went through a bunch of old files on my laptop a few nights ago and realized that there's a pretty strong theme that runs through a few of them, so I'm starting to formulate a plot in my head and I've decided to recycle some older things. What I really need to focus on right now is character development, which I'm working on. I have a couple of people who I've gotten the basis for that I just need to meat out a little bit, and after that I'm brainstorming whoever I can, whenever I can.
I have a good feeling about this idea. I think it's been trying to get out of my head and onto paper for a while and I just havn't paid enough attention to notice. Somehow, I feel like this is going to take me somewhere.
That is a picture of some penguins, my favorite animals in the entire world. I took it, thank you very much, right after feeding time at the free zoo in St. Louis. There is nothing that makes me happier in life than a couple of well fed land locked birds swimming around contentedly. Not that the ones in the picture are swimming, but it was a good photo op.
I promise I won't go so long without posting again. I've been feeling classy lately, I hope you have too.