The Downlow

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austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

the stars, the moon

Sometimes when I lay awake at night I think about things I've never told anyone, dark things in the back of my heart that I try not to remind myself of, and I wonder if deep down I'm simply bad. Then I remember that everyone does things that might be horrible but the people who mean the most to me know me too well and love me regardless and in the end they are the only thing that matters, and I fall asleep and dream.
I will always love you,

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

i can only tell you what it feels like.

Too many times, I trust someone quickly and it ends up horrible.


i can't tell you what it really is

The most frustrating things are small, like the weather dropping ten degrees and sleeping through your alarm and taking the wrong bus and how it's physically not possible to eat and sleep at the same time. The most frustrating things also tend to involve me being late, hence giving me more time to think. Even though I'm always late. Except for when I'm early.
I listened to journalists talking about conflict in the Middle East tonight and it only reinforced my interests in politics and international affairs. I wish I could take my own pictures, and that when  I did they weren't just half assed pictures of me via webcam. I also wish I had more time to write and I could still eat free pizza whenever I wanted and that I were still friends with everyone I've ever been friends with. I want it to be warm and rainy for the rest of my life, and I'm finding that novelist loch is becoming increasingly jealous of journalist loch for actually having a job/published work. A blog does not count as published work if it's not work.
sincerely yours,

Monday, March 28, 2011

embrace the martian

It's been a while since I've posted lame pictures of myself but I guess I got tired of posting other people's pictures and I'm not talented enough to go out and actually take my own, plus I don't own a functional camera unless you count my cell phone or the beaten and battered five year old digital camera lying untouched in my drawer, but I have to open the shutter myself on that one so I think it isn't exactly something I could use to be artsy. Plus I've never really been a visual person, I still don't fully grasp what matches and what doesn't. Words are more solid, they make more sense to me.  I wish I could do photography though, because I feel like it would be a lot more concise to tell a story through an image, and all I really want to do is tell the world a story. 
This weekend was weird and I've been rambling more than usual, and daydreaming more than usual too, and I should do my bio take-home test today but the first question is literally about finding the cure for cancer (I shit you not) and I would much rather scribble about science fiction all day. PS. I am obsessed with pandora.
I know I've said it before, but I don't understand why everyone doesn't just choose happiness. It's contagious, just start with one and soon everyone will really be alive. At least try, there is nothing more frustrating to me than watching people who are simply contented to lie in their own self-pity because they're too fucking lazy to do themselves and everyone around them a favor and relax and let it be. It is not that hard.

I <3 pointless blog posts.

ps. the word "much" is kind of ugly if you pay enough attention to it.
pss. I will spend most of today writing.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I tried to tell you but all I could say is

Things I wish I could say out loud-

At the end of the day,
this desk where I’ve written
thousands of words for you
and everyone else who I love
and hate and need,
who make my words explode,
is not important. Neither is the tree
I watch outside, leaves sifting lightly
in the 5 mph winds on a beautiful day,
nor the blocked-off balcony I dream
of sitting on, sipping coffee and scribbling
into the small leather notebook I keep
hidden in my pillowcase at night.
The drawings on the wall,
gifts from a best friend who no longer calls,
and the $2.43 in my bank account
to get me through the next two weeks
are irrelevant, the silence
of the room save for the sounds
of my roommate studying and
speaking less and less to me
each day are not what I think about
before I fall asleep at night.
I do not care about the bio-dad,
why he never called like I know that he promised,
like I know that he wanted to,
what he might be doing,
sipping gin on a beach in Jamaica,
starving on the streets of New York City,
lying in his grave or maybe,
trying to find me, maybe just out of reach,
imagining the different people I could be and
wondering if we’re anything alike,
and the thought of a mother,
something I stopped reaching for years ago,
will never, ever cross my mind again.
I will ignore the hospital bills sitting untouched
in the postbox downstairs
that no one has enough to pay,
just like I will forget why they’re there
in the first place. When I drift off,
all that I see anymore is a park by my house,
swings and a playground set.
I feel light heat on my back and I dream
of a job serving pizza for $7.25 an hour
that I would freeze time to stay at,
seeing you laugh through the secret passageway
from the front counter to the cut-station and
knowing that you were smiling because of me,
and I remember vividly the look in your eyes,
calling me "sheltered" and watching me fumble
over parmesan cheese containers and
the moment I knew that maybe, if I let myself,
that I could fall in love with you.
I am still checking my phone
to feel my heart jump whenever I see
your name on the screen,
and I am imagining sitting on my
blocked-off balcony, sipping coffee
and maybe smoking something in the early morning, 
listening to birds and watching the dew form, 
alone with you.


I know it's long, I'm gonna cut it down. It's also barely been edited, I literally wrote it in the last ten minutes. Feedback if you feel like it!

NOTE: I am editing this poem on and off, because sometimes when I read it over there are things that I can't not change. If you see slight alterations, do not be alarmed.

extra bright

Turn up the lights in here baby, extra bright, I want y'all to see this,
turn up the lights in here baby, you know what I need, 
want you to see everything, want you to see all of the lights.
Fast cars, shooting stars, all of the lights,
until it's vegas everywhere we are, all of the lights.
If you want it you can get it for the rest of your life.

Something's wrong, I hold my head,
MJ's gone, our nigg* dead!
I slapped my girl, she called the feds,
I did that time and spent that bread.
I'm heading home, I'm almost there,
I'm on my way, heading up the stairs.
To my surprise, a nigg* replaceing me,
I had to take him to that ghetto university
Restraining order, can't see my daughter. 
Her mother, brother, grandmother hate me in that order.
Public visitation, we met at Borders,
told her she take me back, I'll be more supportive. 
I made mistakes, I bump my head, 
courts suck me dry, I spent that bread. She need a daddy,
baby please, can't let her grow up in that ghetto university,

cop lights, flash lights, spot lights,
strobe lights, street lights,
fast life, drug life, thug life, rock life 
every night,

Getting mine, baby, gotta let these n*ggas know, yeah.
Get it right, ay, you should go and get your own.

Unemployment line, credit card declined, 
did I not mention I was about to lose my mind? 
And also was about to do that line,
okay, okay, you know we going all the way this time,
we going all the way this time.

Turn up the lights in New York, baby, extra bright, I want y'all to see this.
turn up the lights in New York, baby, you know what I need, 
want you to see everything, want you to see all of the lights.

I tried to tell you but all I could say is ohhhh,
I tried to tell you but all I could say is ohhhh, 
I tried to tell you but all I could say is ohhhh.
-Kanye West, Rihanna, Fergie, Kid Cudi, Alicia Keys, Elton John
Sometimes I like reading lyrics more than I like listening to actual songs. My horoscopes have been weirdly accurate lately, and I keep having a variation of basically the same dream. I promise I'll post something real later today, I promise :)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

she's a southern hot mess

Suddenly I miss hot summer nights in East Texas, going seventy over drops in a back road and singing Switchfoot at the top of our lungs. I miss Dairy Queen and late night volleyball and letting my hair get beyond repair with the windows down speeding on the highway. I miss when it was easier to know that people are good and that I can laugh and everything, in the grand scheme of things, will be completely and totally fine as long as I just keep breathing and loving everyone I meet.
Take me back?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

put your red dress on

When I have fears that I may cease to be
   Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high piled books, in charactry,
   Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
   Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
   Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
   That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the fairy power
   Of unreflecting love;-- then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
   Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

Monday, March 21, 2011

cop lights, flash lights, spot lights

I think that the only genuine regret I have is that I didn't keep this blog a secret from the people I know.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

wanna be your victim

Today I scribbled onto a napkin while I waited to start my shift at work, and I decided I want a constant stream of music playing everywhere that I go.
Sorry I'm not gonna post anything more interesting. Tonight was a good saturday night.
I love you, I'm not lying,

Friday, March 18, 2011

forget-me-nots and marigolds

This week has been spent working at cici's and running around Plano and not sleeping. I'm home for spring break and I'm ridiculously happy to be here. There is a shitton of pizza in my life and a couple of people who I love but almost never get to see and a few who make me really happy. I always forget how stable plano is when I leave.
I wrote another scene today that I've never written before. I think there's something about writing while I'm on break at cici's, but I feel like that stuff always comes out the best. It's kind of weird but I know exactly where it'll fit in with the rest of what I'm writing, it's just frustrating a little bit because it's gonna go at the end and I was trying really hard to make myself write in order so that things would make more sense. It hasn't really been working too well the past couple of days, though :/ Oh, I got pulled over tonight for the first time. I guess in retrospect I really should've seen it coming, I've kind of been asking for it for a while now, but it was terrifyingggg. 
Also, brief rant. When you are a freshman in college, you should not act like you are in the seventh grade. Chill with the cliques and shit and get over yourself. It's annoying. That's all!
I'm really, really sorry that it's taken me so long to post. Last week was excessive for a couple of reasons and this week I've just been trying to enjoy home as much as I can before I have to go back to Austin.
I probably love you regardless of whether or not you think I do,

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

like a riot

So sentimental, not sentimental, no!
Romantic, not disgusting yet. 
Darling I'm down and lonely when with the fortunate only.
I've been looking for something else,
do let, do let, do let jugulate do let, do let, do,

Let's go slowly, discouraged,
distant from other interests on your favorite weekend ending, 
this love's for gentlemen only. No, I gotta be someone else.
These days it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes,
and goes.

Follow, misguide, stand still, disgust, discourage,

on this precious weekend ending, this love's for gentlemen only
wealthiest gentlemen only.
And now that you're lonely,
do let, do let, do let jugulate do let, do let, do,

Let's go slowly, discouraged, we'll burn the pictures instead.

When it's all over we can barely discuss for one minute only,
not with the fortunate only, thought it could have been someone else.
These days it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes,
and goes.

Lisztomania, think less but see it grow

like a riot, like a riot,
oh, I'm not easily offended.
It's not hard to let it go 
from a mess to the masses.

caught in the undertow

Life keeps getting better and absofuckinlutley better without giving me any warning at all.
I don't really understand anything at all, so this is probably the best time to write.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I have harbored great things

I huff gasoline from your shirt and blur the questions that no one could ever answer,
I empty my head of all that I know, seems like the best view is the one from below.
We are anti-movement, we are anti-anti,
one time we believed but now we don't even try and I,
I can't cut a rug without my fashion drugs,
inebriation brings revelation,

I will burn your love letters in a parking deck 
where I have harbored great things that I will never confess,
We keep fresh paint on the countenance, 
now we keep it simple to make it more complex,
We are anti-movement, we are anti-anti,
one time we believed but now it's passé and cliché and she'll say 
anything to make you move again,
But is it the truth? I don't care if it is.

Getting down in the town that makes no sound,
You say there's nothing wrong but I don't hear it.


Monday, March 7, 2011

hardest part of living

Last night was scary and long. That's really all. I wanna write but I'm tired.

I'm lucky to have the most amazing people in the world in my life. Mentally, I'm hazy. 
Love, but not too quickly,

Sunday, March 6, 2011

lo hecho está hecho

I really wish I could just chill and write for a while but instead I have to drink as much water as I can and then shower and write an article that I'll prob turn in an hour late and get dinner and then go home and do homework/probably not actually do anything at all.
This blog is turning into a diary, hahh.
I love you,

ps. I've used the phrase "lol" twice in the past week. What is going on, vocab.

please read that. it is perfect.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

do it right tonight

I can't decide if I feel like drinking or not. I love you? That's all I have to say, hahh.
On a side note. Sometimes, guys can be disgusting. Have some fucking dignity and notice that you are changing for the worst. I am really grossed out. 
grow up please, thank you.

ps. boyfriend, do not be alarmed. this is not about you. hahahhh you are wonderful and I am lucky :)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

getting down in the town

I am in an ecstatic mood for no reason at all. 


ps. two months :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

dance in the light

Last night I wrote a shit ton.
It was the first night in a while that I had the night off to just sit back and do nothing. I would've been covering an awards show, but they ran out of media seats so I ended up in my dorm room by 7:30 pm, and I literally didn't know what to do with myself. I think I've forgotten how to have down time. Anywho, I found a spiral I'd barely written in and decided that needed to be remedied, and I wrote wayyyy more than I was expecting. So that was good. And I wrote content that I wasn't expecting, the kind of shit I don't usually delve into, so I'm going to wait a few hours and then edit and hopefully it'll be readable because I'm going to have to write stuff like that sooner or later. I might actually change around a few things and post it somewhere. It felt good, getting all those words onto paper. 
I have literally been daydreaming all day about the beach- it's a little sad. I just want to be by the ocean, sunning and reading a good book and then eating and dancing and possibly getting drunk, preferably surrounded by people I love. Spring break is unlikely to bring that kind of scenario since I'm heading back to p-town, but a girl can dream, yeah? Not that I don't love plano, because I do, really. It's just that I can go there whenever I want, you know? I'm also dreaming of doing plano-y things, don't worry. Like going to the asian market and hitting up the cici's shopping center that I basically spend my life in and going to the park and staying up all night watching true blood and floating leisurely in julia's pool even though she won't be home. I don't know how many more of those times I'm gonna get after this year and I want to savor it while I can.... with some beach time thrown in.
I love you you are my favorite,

ps. wolfpack, that is a picture of me howling for you. <3

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

of your eyes, begonia skies

There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
The earth, and every common sight,
             To me did seem
          Apparelled in celestial light,
The glory and the freshness of a dream.
It is not now as it hath been of yore;-- 
         Turn whereso'er I may,
             By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more. 

-William Wordsworth