I tried to tell you but all I could say is

Things I wish I could say out loud-

At the end of the day,

this desk where I’ve written

thousands of words for you

and everyone else who I love

and hate and need,

who make my words explode,

is not important. Neither is the tree

I watch outside, leaves sifting lightly

in the 5 mph winds on a beautiful day,

nor the blocked-off balcony I dream

of sitting on, sipping coffee and scribbling

into the small leather notebook I keep

hidden in my pillowcase at night.

The drawings on the wall,

gifts from a best friend who no longer calls,

and the $2.43 in my bank account

to get me through the next two weeks

are irrelevant, the silence

of the room save for the sounds

of my roommate studying and

speaking less and less to me

each day are not what I think about

before I fall asleep at night.

I do not care about the bio-dad,

why he never called like I know that he promised,

like I know that he wanted to,

what he might be doing,

sipping gin on a beach in Jamaica,

starving on the streets of New York City,

lying in his grave or maybe,

trying to find me, maybe just out of reach,

imagining the different people I could be and

wondering if we’re anything alike,

and the thought of a mother,

something I stopped reaching for years ago,

will never, ever cross my mind again.

I will ignore the hospital bills sitting untouched

in the postbox downstairs

that no one has enough to pay,

just like I will forget why they’re there

in the first place. When I drift off,

all that I see anymore is a park by my house,

swings and a playground set.

I feel light heat on my back and I dream

of a job serving pizza for $7.25 an hour

that I would freeze time to stay at,

seeing you laugh through the secret passageway

from the front counter to the cut-station and

knowing that you were smiling because of me,

and I remember vividly the look in your eyes,
calling me "sheltered" and watching me fumble
over parmesan cheese containers and
the moment I knew that maybe, if I let myself,

that I could fall in love with you.

I am still checking my phone

to feel my heart jump whenever I see

your name on the screen,

and I am imagining sitting on my

blocked-off balcony, sipping coffee

and maybe smoking something in the early morning, 

listening to birds and watching the dew form, 

alone with you.

-----------------------------------------------------

I know it's long, I'm gonna cut it down. It's also barely been edited, I literally wrote it in the last ten minutes. Feedback if you feel like it!

Love,

Loch.


NOTE: I am editing this poem on and off, because sometimes when I read it over there are things that I can't not change. If you see slight alterations, do not be alarmed.