The Downlow

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austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

the eyes of the classy are upon you.

This time next year, I'll be in a different kind of town.
I expected to be in a different kind of state, mind you. Financial aide, however, dictated otherwise, and this weekend was spent at my future university campus. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty much sold on it. I feel like there's something about the city that suits me. I bought spirit wear, so everyone can go ahead and consider the deal sealed. I think what I liked the most about it was that everyone was cool with one another. Plus I high fived a thirty five year old crack head on the street and apparently there's a famous cross dressing hobo who lives in a box that can be found in all of the tourist books. I think I'll fare well.
I had never before considered living off campus, but housing isn't guaranteed for freshman and honestly, that makes me really nervous. I'd rather secure a living space now than scramble over summer to find a place to live, you know? Plus the on campus meal plan blows. Luckily, there's some privately owned dorms right near the communication buildings, which are where I'm going to be spending most of my time, so I'm planning on living fancy! And with unlimited meals a week, MWAHAHAHAHAHH. hahh.
I'm sorry it's been so long, I've just been way busy. I left town Thursday night and couldn't figure out how to get Internet access at the hotel, and since I got back Sunday I've been busy out of my mind with homework and figuring out financial aide and all that jazzy stuff. Orchestra is making me really happy and other electives are making me really not, but it's all good. For the past couple of weeks, I've been happier than I have been in a long time, at least at school. I have also never been so anxious to graduate- I can practically smell summer, it's making me really impatient.
I find it very difficult to dislike things/people, but I realized today that for the first time in my life, I hate someone. I personally commend myself on going this long without admitting the truth- after I made the realization I had a whole lot of unbridled energy and I think it's the energy I usually use to try and convince myself that she only means well. Which, by the way, is false. Plus, I like the unbridled energy, I think I'm going to keep it around.
I'm not in that picture, I took it. My back yard, some friends, and a wasp burial are in it though. We might be savages? It was quite a while ago. Writing is interesting. I had some revelations this weekend. I'm not really sure what's going on in my head right now, but I promise I'll let you guys know as soon as I do.
I think I might actually read the next book we're studying for English. It's called Heart of Darkness. I want to take a nap. I'll see you guys in the next couple of nights,
feel the lahve,

Monday, March 22, 2010

fire can be found in the eyes of the classy.

So consider me at one with nature. Props to Kay Elle for the photo. There was a big fire, and it was very warm and nice. Plus the back of my head is ridiculous!
So I have this friend/acquaintance that's going to college with me, and he wants to be a doctor so he's majoring in the bio med program. He told me yesterday that he writes music, so I asked him why he didn't just decide to major in music, and he replied with the obvious, which was that he wanted to be able to afford food and maybe a house. That night, he sent me a link to this song he wrote. I'm not going to lie, after I listened to it I was really impressed so I creeped a little bit and found his myspace music page. The kid is legit talented, he sings and composes mostly piano and acoustic pieces and they're actually good, which is rare for high school musicians on myspace. It's been bugging me for like twenty four hours now, and I think I just figured out why.
I'm pretty sure I've already subjected you guys to my rant on talent. For those of you who haven't heard, I really feel like people are born with innate talent in a specific area gifted from whatever you want to believe is or isn't up there, and that that talent is why we're here. We are all mediums for beauty in one way or another. It's always bothered me when people decide to do something for money. Before you choose a career, you should sit down and seriously ponder whether or not you would do the same job even if you didn't get payed, and if the answer is no, cross it off your freaking list because no amount of money is worth giving up what you really feel alive doing. I just couldn't imagine sitting down and being like, gee, writing doesn't pay very much. How about I be an engineer instead, even though I don't really care about it! I guess I don't put a lot of value on money. I mean I'd like to eat but I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to live in a small apartment and eat ramen for most of my life after college, and I'm okay with it. I just hope people know what they're getting themselves into when they decide to do something because it pays, because the world doesn't need any more miserable people. We've def got enough. If you can sing, by golly, sing! There's probably a reason that you can.
So I met who I think is going to be my roommate next year. Not a whole lot to say there, but she seems cool. I really love people who are open about things. There's nothing more refreshing than an acquaintance who treats you like an old friend.
Writing is sporadic. I have a plan, but I hope things come together more tangibly soon. I've taken a whole bunch of bits and pieces and finally ordered them up, which felt really good. More about that soon.
I'm really tired today and I'm not sure why. During second period, I looked down and realized that I had been wearing my shirt backwards for the entire day, and then I realized that the way the neckline on the shirt was, it made absolutely no difference. I'm really ready for college. I think I'm going to go take a nap/curl up under a snuggie and watch Law&Order reruns.
You are beautiful. LAHVE,

Sunday, March 21, 2010

the classy don't hate, they appreciate.

hey yo! I'm sorry it's been so long. My week has been busy, surprisingly enough.
Thursday night, I went with some friends this ranch that's owned by one of their families. I was expecting a legit ranch, like with a house. I was wrong. It was basically a plot of land with a shack that had some cots for us to sleep on. I got there and I was like, so I have to pee, where's the bathroom? They were like, there isn't one. I thought they were kidding. I was wrong again.
Anywho, it was absolutely gorgeous. Not much else to say. I just really like nature. There's a lot to be said for urban areas, but there's something about nothing that just always blows me away. That picture is not of the ranch, but it's of somewhere with nothing. It's not a great photo but the place is beyond beautiful.
Also, did you know you can rent laser tag ranges? It's legit. That's all about that.
I haven't written in too long. I'm beginning to show signs of irritability. I think Oscar Wilde is going to be my next obsession. I'm doing Catholic things tonight, i.e. youth group then frozen yogurt, but after that I'm probably going to stay awake for a while and work on filling out the space between the very beginning, which I've finally started writing, to the chunk that I've written, which should fall like halfway before halfway through. Iloveallofyou!
p.s. I know where I'm going to college.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

the classy do not grode.

So it's 1:36 in the morning and I literally just walked in my front door. I want nothing more than to curl up in a little ball right now and go to sleep, but damn it I'm loyal! Here's how my St. Patrick's day went- I know you're all dying to hear.
I went on a long awaited Plato's closet run at like four ish with the intention of losing all of my money to resale clothing. Granted all of my money constituted three $10 bills at the time, but darn it, I spent all of it, and then had to charge eleven cents to my friend's debit! I felt sorely cheated out of my usual resale experience, though; I p
urchased this dress t shirt thing, white shorts, and a shirt for thirty, while the friend I was with managed to buy out like half of the store for forty five. I, personally, was impressed. Then I went to work for two hours, where I found my coworker horribly ill in the backroom, so I manned the fort while she fashioned a pillow and blanket from merchandise and slept. After that, the real fun began. Can anyone say bowling with Catholic people?
So bowling, honestly, could have been more fun, but we did break the bowling alley! About half way through our first game, like six of us threw bowling balls in the lane all at once, and the game like started over on it's own and was freaking out for the rest of the night, not to mention several balls which remained lodged in the gutters for what I would call an extended period of time. They ended up shutting our game off, because more people came than we told them we had or something like that, so right before we left seven of us threw balls all at once AGAIN, and the bowling alley was royally pissed. We might not be allowed there anymore. I'm not gonna lie, twas worth it. We chose a disco theme for our score board, and every gutter ball was greeted by some seriously intense pelvic thrusts.
IHOP afterwards beat bowling by a long shot. There's something about eating pancakes after midnight, but I really feel like any calories I may have gained from eating were burned off immediately afterwards through laughter. Not a big story there, but I had a really good time. Also, I was informed of a new sport called groding, which is apparently wrestling with the intent of rubbing one's groin on another's face? I am just going to say right now, not classy.
Speaking of stories, I have one. So this morning, I wake up with this massive headache, right? And I think, oh, maybe last night I had one and just didn't notice and it got worse overnight instead of better. I take some ibuprofen and think nothing of it. Later, I'm about to get in the shower and I happen to look at my chin, and there's a very prominent bruise. Like, it's gross looking. Just saying. I was trying to think of what I did last night, and I went over to a friend's house to watch Julie&Julia on DVD and eat popcorn. One theory is that my popcorn was roofied. Is roofied a verb? Pretty sure I whacked myself in the face in my sleep. Weird.
In other and more important new, writing has exploded. In a good way. After I posted my last blog, the entire plot came together. The length of my word document has become much longer, and if I keep going at the rate that I am, I'll be done writing it by the end of summer at least, if not by graduation. Let's just hope I can keep the rate up!
I will post a picture of bowling things later. For now, you get this. I'm not really sure what it's of. I think it was in Six Flags at San Antonio like two years ago, when we took our orchestra trip there. Enjoy? I apologize for any incoherency this post may contain- I'm sure there's plenty.

P.S. I'm laser tagging on Friday. BE JEALOUS.

Monday, March 15, 2010

the classy appreciate fine literature.

That picture was on my work's register computer. It makes me think of hard candy and cherry soda. I really hope someone else feels the same. It has no relevance to anything at all, and I'm pretty sure it was one of the standard ones that comes with your computer, but I hope you all like it!
So I would like for everyone to know that on Sunday I was sitting in the back at work reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, which is amazing by the way, and my brain put on its dancing shoes and had a freaking party without telling me first. Not that I mind at all, but it was very impromptu, and it definitely got the creative gears oiled and churning away. Probably beneficial in the long run. I just kept reeling out stuff that I literally hadn't even considered until right then, and I started writing the epilogue to whatever it is I'm writing, which is good because that's the part I had hoped to get finished first, because the rest of the book sort of relies on it, even though you won't really get that until you read it at the very end. I think it's either going to end up being a novel or a novella. Short story is most definitely out of the question at this point, and I'm feeling novel, but it could very well end up being much more brief than I'd expected. I didn't realize I was taking so much inspiration from Alice in Wonderland until I saw the movie last night and I realized that while they are entirely different premises, I've managed to make mine as trippy. Also, Alice in Wonderland was really good. Johnny Depp will never cease to amaze me with his unfailing capacity to play the part of a complete lunatic, and while doing so make said lunatic unbelievably appealing. Speaking of other appealing lunatics, I could not be more in love with Lady Gaga. If you haven't seen Telephone yet, go watch it. She and Beyonce could not possibly be more fierce.
Since I know what you guys are really itching for me to talk about, I'll oblige and give you the dish- my spring break has been great so far. Despite the obscene amount of extra hours I seem to have this week, which really isn't something I'm all that averted to because I took last weekend off for that church retreat and my paycheck was painfully small, I've managed to fit in quite a few social expenditures and am sufficiently exhausted, but still up for whatever whenever as long as I'm not trapped in the small retail hell I call my job. Granted, someone brought a box of microwave kettle corn to stash in the back so now I can eat whenever I want. I'm typing this entry on the register computer right now as I tend to several customers- there's this family and these obnoxious kids keep trying to go in the back, and I have to pee and I'm really annoyed. I hope no one I work with ever sees this, or at least if they do it's after I've already rolled out, because if they do I don't think they'll be particularly fond of keeping me on the job. It's not all that bad, it's just very easy to get tired of.
I don't have a whole lot to say right now, but it's been a while since I've updated. I've noticed that a lot of people update their blogs like once a month, which weirds me out. I just don't feel comfortable if I go for too long leaving you guys hanging, you know? Maybe I'm the weird one. Whatever. I'll be back in a couple of days. To be honest, I might be back later tonight.

Friday, March 12, 2010

the classy take things in stride.

This week has been really good. I was angry yesterday, sorry about that. Sometimes I just wish people would listen a little bit more, because I feel like information isn't being processed fully.
It's a funny feeling, when disappointment and relief collide.
I have no idea where I'm going to live in the fall. Like, not even what state. I'd narrowed it down to three colleges, two of which are at least seven hundred miles away, and one of which is in state. The in state one is a really, really good school, I was really surprised I'd even gotten in, but I have never had any desire to stay in the state of Texas after high school graduation. The two out of state schools were both far, and big and beautiful, where it's cold and they have real seasons, and I was really set on them for a while, one of which because of a particular major and the other because my dad was pushing for it, because he's an alumni. Tonight I got the score report from the one I'd really wanted to go to, and they're offering a little over eight grand a year, which is a fraction of what I'd need to be able to go there. My chances for attending that particular school are officially slim to none, and I don't expect the other out of state school to be hopeful. Now, in reality, if you exclude those two and the in state school I'm looking at, I have six other options, but they're not good enough, they're not what I really want. I want something very specific out of a college, and those two out of state schools had it. They were perfect. But now I'm narrowing down my choices. It's funny, because I feel like I should be upset, but I'm not. I think it's okay.
Money is a strange thing. It's not real when you're young- you're told about it and you hear it brought up, but it's something your parents deal with, never you. You're happy to get three dollars a week for allowance and you're entire psyche lights up at the sight of a stranded quarter. Twenty dollars is synonymous with the word rich. Then, you get a little older, and you start going to the mall with your friends. You take money from your parents, and you spend it. You begin to need more and more of it, and while you begin to feel a pull from it, it's still purely good, because you haven't yet seen anything that would tell you otherwise.
You hit your teens, and you get a job. Now, assuming you aren't like 65% of the city I live in, your parents stop paying for everything. Maybe your parents are divorced, or one is sick, or ones lost a job, and money is tight. You begin to understand what it's like to spend money that's yours, and it hits you that all of the money you have churned out since the day you were born has belonged to your parents. It's a strange sense of independence, the first time you spend your own paycheck, something that is to your name and no one
else's. Then, along comes a day when you run short on money. That is where the true understanding begins.
It's a vice and a drug and a terrible thing, but it's necessary, and that's the most despicable part. We have worked the idea of currency so thoroughly into our society, so much so that it is the greatest motivation and the most intense form of temptation. It can make you jump through hoops and do horrible, horrible things, because a lack of it is the only thing that will separate you from what you want. We want and we want and we want, and money is all that lets us take, and so we will do anything we are told to get our hands on it. It's a disgusting thing.
Unfortunately, the only thing that would seem to be worse than a world that trips over itself in search of cash, is a world that attempts to live without it.
I prefer hand writing things. Today I got some
entirely new stuff down- by entirely new I mean like a new chapter or something. I don't really know exactly what it is, but it's a part of the general project I'm working on right now. My mind works in bursts, and I'm sure that eventually everything will come together. It's funny, the things that give you inspiration; this particular burst of writing was inspired by a random house about twenty minutes from where I live, and a conversation on a charter bus on the drive home from an orchestra competition with a girl who I have a long, slightly vague and relatively checkered history with. Actually, I guess it's not funny, but it's on my mind.
Everyone is out of town for spring break, but I still managed to get most of my week planned already. Expect to hear a recount of my midnight bowling adventure on
Thursday! My neck hurts and I need to type. A good friend of mine has a dad who's a massage therapist, and today he gave me this really intense shoulder massage and now it feels like my arms aren't attached to the rest of me, which doesn't sound like a good feeling but it is. I'm not going to explain that picture. Sorry?
Today, a kid in my
English class announced he was writing a novel. Mine will sell more copies.
I love you,

p.s. in exactly three months, I'm legally an adult.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

the classy value relaxation.

This picture was taken a long time ago at a place I used to vacation at, back when I wasn't so sure of things. Most of me is glad that that's over, but a really small part of me would give anything in the world to go back. Today was an interesting day, and for the most part, really good.
I have a love hate relationship with other members of the human race. Honestly, there are things that make me happier than making people smile, but not very many- call me lame, but knowing that someone looks happy because of you makes everything feel better. I love smiling at half strangers in the hallways and seeing if they say hi to me the next day. I love acquaintances, and talking to people I don't know that well or haven't spoken to in years, and I really, really love my best friends. I do love people. However, they seem to have a knack for pissing me off.
You know something? Most of the time, I feel like I'm a relatively reasonable person. I don't really get upset about things at all, ever, and in most situations I'm pretty darn quick to compromise. The list of things that set me off probably comes up to be less than five. Roughly 96% of the time I am in a really good mood. The other 4% of the time, however, I am in a very, very bad mood.
I hate being in a bad mood. It's not fun for me, and it's certainly not fun for anyone around me- I get very snappish and my voice is low and difficult to hear. However, some people insist upon putting me in that position, and to them, I will say this.
There aren't a lot of things that I don't like, but I really hate when people try to start fights with me. Particularly when they're wrong. What I hate more than that is when people try to start fights with me and they don't do it tactfully. If you are going to start an argument in which you know one or both of us will raise our voice, pull me aside. It's not that difficult. Do not do it in front of a room full of people, because oh hey, I kind of value privacy. The whole world does not need to know everything, and I'm really sorry you feel the need to inform them, but I am not going to aide you in your plight to make sure that everyone in the freaking school hears about our tiff. Suck the proverbial it.
It is so much easier to be polite, and tactful, and happy. Really, it is. I feel like so many people underestimate the simplicity of being content- just stop being angry. Maybe I'm the only person in the world who can control their emotions, but I doubt it. It's not that hard to just calm down. I would love it if everyone would stop for a half second, look around, and just take in the number of people who aren't happy, and the number of reasons why they should be. It will never cease to amaze me how society seems so intent on upsetting themselves with things that are completely irrelevant. I just don't understand the need for aggression- I am more than willing to defend, but I can't wrap my head around the desire to attack.
I don't hate anyone. Honestly, I really like almost everyone I meet. I like getting along with people, and I like making people smile. Do not for a second think that means that I will not smack a hoe. If I am right, I am not at all afraid to tell you, or shout it at you if the situation calls for it.
In other news, I'm continuing to let my brain throw what it wants out there. I just can't stop thinking. Today I typed in a draft text message again. I'm falling behind though, I think- lately I've been neglecting my flash drive. Tomorrow after I turn in my late work for psych, I'm planning on going to the library and letting my brain explode in a word document. Also, my sleep cycle has been more out of whack than usual lately, and the amount of two week late homework I have nullifies any instance in which I may have been called a good student. I really need to work on my time management.
I'm going to go shower and then read a textbook, maybe write for a bit, and then sleep. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and then do all of that, so I can stay up longer. I've come to the conclusion over the years that my internal clock just doesn't run like a normal person's- I feel best when I sleep for short periods of time at regular intervals. Like meals, but with sleep.
Yep, I think a nap is going to win out in this round.
I love everyone.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

inspiration is the food of the classy.

This weekend was amazing and beautiful and perfect, and made me think too much about who I am and why I want to be that way. Before I start ranting, I'd like to apologize for leaving you guys hanging for so long- I don't get Internet access in Van, TX, and I've been ridiculously busy since I got home.
I find myself with a really awful case of senioritis, to the point where I'm starting to worry. I know it's going to be like every other six weeks where my grades drop badly in the middle and then turn out fine at the end, but my stomach is starting to feel funny and for once in my life the voice in the back of my head is actually telling me to do work. Maybe that's not senioritis? I don't know, but I've never told myself to buckle down before and it's weird. The classes I'm worried about aren't even classes I need to graduate. Maybe I'm just anxious because high school is drawing to a close so rapidly. Not as much time for second chances as I'm used to.
Speaking of which, I wish I knew where I was going to college. Not too much to say about that, except that hey, I have no idea where I'm going to live in the fall and I probably won't until April 30Th, the day before I actually have to commit somewhere. I did, however, finally decide what I'm doing this summer- I'll be back out at summer camp instead of at home in dear old suburbia.
This weekend was incredible. I expected to have a good time, but I did not expect it to be as perfect as it was. I bonded with people who I would never have talked to, and I figured out a lot, and really, all I could think about this weekend was how lucky I am.
I was a small group leader for a confirmation class of sophomores, and on Saturday morning we did a trust walk, which is basically where one person is blindfolded and the other person walks them though potentially perilous but essentially harmless terrain. The point is to allow yourself to peacefully be at the will of someone aside from yourself in the same way that we should peacefully be at the will of God in our everyday lives and whatnot. Anywho, there was this moment, and it's hard to explain and it sounds kind of stupid now, but at the time it was just so breathtaking. Our group got really spread out on the trust walk and I ended up being with this one pair of girls, walking about fifteen feet ahead of them ish? And the blindfold was falling off of the one who was supposed to be blind, so the girl who was leading her stopped to help her tie it back on, and I stopped to wait for them. I turned around, and they were there, alone in the field, and behind them were some fields and this beautiful forest backdrop, and it was just the most moving thing I'd ever seen. To anyone just passing by, it probably would have looked like one of the girls was trying to choke the other with a handkerchief, but it just really hit me right then how small we are, and how even despite that we still have the power and take the time to make another persons life easier. I just really wish I had taken a picture. People are just so beautiful to one another sometimes.
That was the biggest thing that really got to me this weekend, was how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing people. I don't know if any of you have ever seen the everything skit? If you haven't, you should go YouTube it. Anyway, I was in it this weekend, and the skit team got really close over the weekend, and the people on it just shone. Its hard to explain but at adoration late Saturday night, all I could think about was how lucky I was to know people who glow with that kind of light.
I figured out what to do for that English project I'm doing. The one about who I am, I mean. I don't know if I've explained it on here, but basically I have to discover who I am and do a big presentation in it. It presented some issues, originally, because I really thought I knew who I was, but then I realized I was kind of wrong. And for a while I was going to do it about how I'm a really optimistic person, but this weekend, I realized finally that that's not who I am. I'm not optimistic at all; what makes me come off that way is that I'm Catholic. I'm a realist, I just believe in God.
Writing is going. Things just keep flowing out of my brain. All I can say is that any semblance of an off button I may have had is gone.
The picture up top is of the majority of the skit team, minus one of our directors because he was the one taking the picture. They were who I spent a good chunk of my weekend with, and together, on Saturday night, we made grown men cry. I'll see if I can post the skit video eventually so that you can understand why.
I hope you can all have weekends as good as mine was, and I love all of you. I am sleepy, so, logically, I am going to go do psychology homework that was due two weeks ago.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

even the classy must take a moment to breathe.

Tomorrow I'm leaving to go on a much needed church retreat. Hopefully by the end of it I'll have sorted out the jumbled mess that is currently my state of mind. Or at least things won't be so gray and muggy. I'm supposed to write an essay about who I am by Monday, and maybe I'll be able to do that more efficiently when I'm not plugged in to everything. I really love being out in the middle of nowhere.
That is a picture taken three years ago on a disposable camera on a dock at the camp I'm retreating at this weekend. I have a feeling being back there might just oil my creative gears a little bit. There's something about breath
ing real, actual fresh air that really does the trick.
I don't have too much to say at the moment. The past couple of days have been really good. I won't be able to update all weekend, because I won't be around a computer, but I'm sure that on Sunday night I'll have something relatively interesting to ramble about.
I love all of you.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

dissonance is nothing the classy can't handle.

This picture doesn't seem relevant, and that's probably because it's not to anyone aside from me. Go figure?
Every day when I walk into school I thank god for colleges that pass out free flash drives at functions. Also, I'm planning on increasing my coffee intake by quite a bit, which is saying something. I deleted my formspring today, in case anyone cares.
So this weeks been all over the place. You see, at first, I may seem like the most unorganized and scatterbrained person on the planet, and I'll be that first to admit that on some levels that's true. There are, however, two things in life that I have serious trouble functioning without, and those are lists and plans. You wouldn't think it if you didn't know me very, very well, but my room, upon relatively close inspection, is literally filled with them. I don't really throw out journals when I'm done with them, and if you look through them, the amount of times I've sat down and planned out my schedule for the upcoming year or two or three or four is almost absurd. They say that a crazy person is someone who does the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, so I should probably have been institutionalized by now. Up until very recently, I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life and where I was going to do it- things were very black and white, which is how I liked them. Unfortunately, I've recently found myself standing in this really massive gray puddle, which I am definitely not a fan of.
I'm really big on the whole everything happens for a reason thing, and I really down to the bottom of my heart believe that everyone is born with a purpose. There is a grand scheme of things, and we are all a part of it. I really thought I knew what my purpose was, and after summer camp I was certain I knew exactly where I was being led. Things have started pushing me in a slightly different direction lately, and as I'm learning more about myself I'm become less and less sure of the career path that I've already embarked on. In the past two weeks or so I've been questioning not only what I'm supposed to be doing, but also what I want, and the answers I'm coming up with are really scary, mostly because they're not the answers that I want myself to give.
Here's the thing- I believe in God. He is the only thing I'm certain of. I get that a lot of you would probably disagree, and that doesn't really bother me. But the only thing I know for sure about who I'm supposed to be is that when God put me here, He did it with the intention that I would write. There is nothing that I believe more strongly than that. I just really wish I knew, in what way? A sign or something would be great.

I've been editing and going through old files and trying to string things together. My brain just doesn't function in a way that I can write things in order, and I'm not sure if that's a problem or not. If I try to sit down and just write straight through a book I slowly begin to malfunction. I can't handle that level of organization- I need a healthy dose of chaos. I just wish I could figure out what it is that my brain is trying to get the rest of me to churn out, because I keep finding these basic recurring scenes and characters and themes in all of my old files, and although the plot lines in all of them are entirely different, they somehow seem to tie together.
I don't think that a person controls their purpose, but that it controls them. Like, if a person was born to be an artist, then they're not really producing the art: they're simply a medium that the art comes through, a method of it's transferring from transcendence to the world. It's complicated and I could talk about it for hours, but I don't really feel like I can totally take credit for anything that I write. I don't create words and sentences and paragraphs, they come through me from somewhere else, somewhere higher, and even if I'm wrong about the reason for that, I don't think I'm wrong that essentially, all of us are just mediums for beauty. What I'm getting at here is that it's frustrating, because obviously there is something that is trying to get itself on paper through my typing on a keyboard, and I just wish it were being more straightforward.
I know I'm being kind of jumpy, but this week has been frustrating. I really am not a fan of gray areas in any aspect of my life, and a whole lot of them seem to be popping up as of late. I mean I'm not going to lie, I've had a really
good week. Things seem to be going my way, and the number of times I have literally just been in awe of how good of friends I have is definitely something I can brag about. I'm just feeling tired, is all.
Also, I would like to say that I have been obsessing over Laura Viers all week, and if you haven't listened to her, you should. Thaz all about that. Oh, and the Lord of the Rings soundtrack is on repeat on my iTunes right now. I need to get more sleep, I think.
I lahve you,