This picture doesn't seem relevant, and that's probably because it's not to anyone aside from me. Go figure?
Every day when I walk into school I thank god for colleges that pass out free flash drives at functions. Also, I'm planning on increasing my coffee intake by quite a bit, which is saying something. I deleted my formspring today, in case anyone cares.
So this weeks been all over the place. You see, at first, I may seem like the most unorganized and scatterbrained person on the planet, and I'll be that first to admit that on some levels that's true. There are, however, two things in life that I have serious trouble functioning without, and those are lists and plans. You wouldn't think it if you didn't know me very, very well, but my room, upon relatively close inspection, is literally filled with them. I don't really throw out journals when I'm done with them, and if you look through them, the amount of times I've sat down and planned out my schedule for the upcoming year or two or three or four is almost absurd. They say that a crazy person is someone who does the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, so I should probably have been institutionalized by now. Up until very recently, I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life and where I was going to do it- things were very black and white, which is how I liked them. Unfortunately, I've recently found myself standing in this really massive gray puddle, which I am definitely not a fan of.
I'm really big on the whole everything happens for a reason thing, and I really down to the bottom of my heart believe that everyone is born with a purpose. There is a grand scheme of things, and we are all a part of it. I really thought I knew what my purpose was, and after summer camp I was certain I knew exactly where I was being led. Things have started pushing me in a slightly different direction lately, and as I'm learning more about myself I'm become less and less sure of the career path that I've already embarked on. In the past two weeks or so I've been questioning not only what I'm supposed to be doing, but also what I want, and the answers I'm coming up with are really scary, mostly because they're not the answers that I want myself to give.
Here's the thing- I believe in God. He is the only thing I'm certain of. I get that a lot of you would probably disagree, and that doesn't really bother me. But the only thing I know for sure about who I'm supposed to be is that when God put me here, He did it with the intention that I would write. There is nothing that I believe more strongly than that. I just really wish I knew, in what way? A sign or something would be great.
I've been editing and going through old files and trying to string things together. My brain just doesn't function in a way that I can write things in order, and I'm not sure if that's a problem or not. If I try to sit down and just write straight through a book I slowly begin to malfunction. I can't handle that level of organization- I need a healthy dose of chaos. I just wish I could figure out what it is that my brain is trying to get the rest of me to churn out, because I keep finding these basic recurring scenes and characters and themes in all of my old files, and although the plot lines in all of them are entirely different, they somehow seem to tie together.
I don't think that a person controls their purpose, but that it controls them. Like, if a person was born to be an artist, then they're not really producing the art: they're simply a medium that the art comes through, a method of it's transferring from transcendence to the world. It's complicated and I could talk about it for hours, but I don't really feel like I can totally take credit for anything that I write. I don't create words and sentences and paragraphs, they come through me from somewhere else, somewhere higher, and even if I'm wrong about the reason for that, I don't think I'm wrong that essentially, all of us are just mediums for beauty. What I'm getting at here is that it's frustrating, because obviously there is something that is trying to get itself on paper through my typing on a keyboard, and I just wish it were being more straightforward.
I know I'm being kind of jumpy, but this week has been frustrating. I really am not a fan of gray areas in any aspect of my life, and a whole lot of them seem to be popping up as of late. I mean I'm not going to lie, I've had a really good week. Things seem to be going my way, and the number of times I have literally just been in awe of how good of friends I have is definitely something I can brag about. I'm just feeling tired, is all.
Also, I would like to say that I have been obsessing over Laura Viers all week, and if you haven't listened to her, you should. Thaz all about that. Oh, and the Lord of the Rings soundtrack is on repeat on my iTunes right now. I need to get more sleep, I think.
I lahve you,