The Downlow

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austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

getting older

The school year is coming to a close, and the ways that I've changed are looming over me more and more each day.
I feel restless and anxious and happy but never satisfied with what I have in front of me, and I'm running out of TV shows and books to occupy myself. It's like there's something I need to do desperately but I have no idea what it is and I can't stop searching for it until I find it, and there are things I know I need to do like schoolwork and writing but my motivation seems to have run off somewhere because I sure as hell can't find it. Things are evolving and changing but I can't tell if I'm keeping up or not, and I find myself wishing that the school year could last just a little bit longer, because when I figure things out, it'll probably be in Austin. I don't really know where my home is anymore.
I know exactly who I am and who I'm going to be. The problem is, I don't know if I'm ready to be her yet.

Sorry I'm depressing and weird? hahahh.

Friday, April 22, 2011

roll with us

Another all nighter. What would it be without a blog post?
I guess it's not so bad this time. I slept until four in the afternoon yesterday because I was sick. I'm done now and I don't have to be in class for another two and a half hours, but what would the point in sleeping really be? I'm just going to stay up and write, or at least catch up on a show or something.
You know what I want? I don't want anyone to look out for me or tell me to stop when I'm doing something stupid. The friends who I know love me the most are the ones who tell me when I'm being an idiot but who love me either way.
I know this post isn't any better than the last one, I guess I don't have a lot to say. I'm happy.

oh na na

I realized tonight that the entire first chapter is completely wrong and I have to rewrite it completely and that I am going to have to bust ass if I want to meet my self imposed deadline for finishing this novel/book/project/whatever. I also decided that I am going to start posting it serierally so I can motivate myself. I 'll post the link on here later.
It is becoming more and more clear to me, writing is what makes me feel alive.
That's all,

ps. I might post in a few hours, I don't plan on sleeping tonight.

Monday, April 18, 2011

like the chase

relative to the rest of the blogging world, I actually don't get too many page views. Just a couple hundred a month. When I check and see how many I have, sometimes I try and guess who was viewing, and then I wonder whether or not I was right.
Right now I like...
old movies
loud music
chillin poolside
shorts and tank tops
functional headphones
treadmilling myself to death
cracked pepper lunchmeat
relaxing on saturday night
volleyball with friends
late night baking fests
popup bag popcorn
93 degree weather
looking good
high heels

I've resigned myself to simply waiting, waiting, waiting. Things fall all around us, sometimes into place and sometimes out.

ps. it's starting to feel like summah summah summah time

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

expect me to believe

You know what's strange?
Have you ever heard the phrase "home town boy?" Sometimes I feel like a hometown girl. I feel connected there and for the past three and a half months or so I've been even more connected but that just ended and now I'm just kind of floating back and forth, and there's nothing really tying me back there anymore. My friends here are closer to me than they were before and while a month ago I had every excuse to go back all the time, now I don't really have any.
What's strange is the realization that after this summer,  I probably won't be going back to Plano too often unless a couple of things change drastically. Unless it's for Winter break, but even then I'll have the apartment in Austin, and over summer I'll probably be here. Second semester of next year I might be in Singapore. I'm realizing that Plano is home, but now Austin is home too and one day Plano won't be home anymore. One day I'll move and my hometown will be a memory I think about sometimes, and I wonder if the people that matter now will matter then, or I guess really if they'll want to because it's not so much up to me anymore. Who will I know and who will I love? Where will I be?
I guess I just realized that I'm running out of chances and summer might be the last one that I have. Time goes by a lot faster than I thought that it did before I started college.

You are everything,

ps. if I wanted to be around you, you would probably know. don't force me to make it clearer.

Monday, April 11, 2011

you in series


Hello, It’s me again.
I wasn’t gone long but I’ve come back for when
you remember the summer you needed me and
you begin to remember that particular “then.”
You wanted to see me and I needed your need
and you laughed through the smoke I could see from your weed,
and I wish it would strike you, the way it strikes me,
that there’s so little time left to be you-and-me.

I love when I see you and I make you happy,
I want to be happy and we can be happy, 
You know I'm the best thing that will ever happen
to you so explain why you're being so rude.
I can see through you, you want this to happen,
I know you’re not happy, I know you.

Hello, It’s me again.
I didn’t stay long but I’m leaving again,
and I wanted to say you should call me again
when you realize you weren’t right and need me again.
You know that I’ll answer when my phone starts to ring,
but understand how the waiting will sting.


I guess I really can't complain.
Long nights spent gazing up
at stars or more often my cell phone,
waiting for a call and
wishing for the former.
Crying for no reason and wondering
what it is you could offer,
what it is I would give and why
I'm so wiling if I still don't know.
Loneliness far away and restraining myself,
defending your honor at the inevitable
flash of judgement in their eyes
when they asked where you were.

I did it for the long nights,
the first times I rebelled,
away from home at odd hours and
holding your hand and 
trying to stall as much as I could
because your chest felt warm and safe,
picking up shifts I knew you worked and
telling my friends that you weren't like the others,
you were different from them and I could see you,
really see you when you held me,
when you told me I was your reason.
DId you forget everything?

You're happy now, I think,
and I guess that was always
ultimately what I wanted,
To see you smile because 
I made the choice I did,
To know that I was different,
and that you knew it.
Maybe this defeats the purpose
of avoiding you in the aftermath
to avoid making things worse
on the off chance you might be kidding.
Watching you courteously wait a grace period 
of roughly fourteen hours before 
letting everyone know it was her now, not me,
crying myself to sleep, nauseated,
and wondering how it could hurt that much.
But you found someone
and maybe she's as good as me,
maybe you'll pick up the shards 
lying by your feet and use them
to create something real, something you love,
and maybe she's good enough to help you.
and I'll go on and work and laugh
and be my happy self, and when I lie in bed at night
Sometimes I'll wonder if you're okay,
if I did enough to help you, to show you
that your different from them, 
that I could really see you when you held me.
Maybe you just didn't
want me that badly in the first place.
I think I might be allowed to be bitter but,
I guess I really can't complain.

The first was written early first semester, the second one was written today. Enjoy.

did you forget everything?

Twelve hours ago was not the same as now, and 6 hours ago half the reason things were horrible is because I thought I knew how things would be and I couldn't handle it, but a friend gave me the best advice I've gotten in a really long time and I think now I want to drink my energy boost smoothie and force myself to sit through biology and go to work and write and write and write until my hands fall off, and maybe let myself learn how to be sad because I realized that I haven't remembered how in a really, really long time and writing is always the best when it's raw.
I know what I want but I can't have it and throwing a tantrum is not going to get me anywhere so I should prob channel this energy into something useful. Everything will always be okay at the end of the day, and everything always happens for a reason.
I love you,

Sunday, April 10, 2011

i would climb the andes

This weekend was really, really good. Last night I sipped shirley temples, cosmos and margaritas in a hill side mansion, played apples to apples and then watched paranormal activity 2 before falling asleep on a mattress fort, and Friday night involved togas. Now I am sitting in the newsroom, waiting for a phone call and worrying excessively about something that probably won't be a huge deal. yay!
I love you a lot, I love, I love to love.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

watch me, watch me

I'm having trouble writing anything worth reading and I'm sorry that I haven't posted in so long. I'm not sure if I'm apologizing to you or myself.
I have been sleeping a lot and I've been really restless. I wish that I had more to say? I cannot cannot cannot wait for the weekend.
I love you, I promise I'll post something real soon, I think,

Sunday, April 3, 2011

the dashboard melted

Well it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know,
oh the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio.
Oh it should've been, could've been worse than you would ever know,
well you told me about nowhere, well it sounds like someplace i'd like to go.
Oh it could've been, should've been worse than you would ever know,
well the windshield was broken, but I love the fresh air, you know.
Oh it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know,

oh we talked about nothing which was more than I wanted you to know.

Oh it would've been, could've been worse than it had even gone,

well the car was on blocks, but I was already where I want,
it was impossible, we ran it good, we ran it good!
Why should we ever even ever really even get to know?
Oh if the world don't like us it'll shake us just like we were a cold, 
now here we go.

Well we scheme and we scheme but we always blow it,
we've yet to crash, but we still might as well tow it.
Standing at a light switch to each east and west horizon,
every dawn you're surprising, and in the evening one's consoling,
saying "See it wasn't quite as bad as,"
well it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.
I was patiently erasing and recording the wrong episodes
After you had proved my point wrong,
It wasn't like I'd let it go. I just wanted to catch the last laugh of this show.

Hard-wired to conceive, so much we'd have to stow it
Even needs have needs, tiny giants made of tinier giants.
Don't wear eyelids so I don't miss the last laugh of this show.

Oh it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.

-Modest Mouse