it's like it wasn't there at all

Today was weird and unnecessarily stressful and not particularly bad or good. It was just there. I don't know if that picture accurately describes my emotional state, but it's a fraction of it.

I miss writing :( and I miss someone from back home who I shouldn't. I'm not homesick because there really isn't anything to go back to.

I just got done doing a lot more homework than is usual for me. I think what just happened constitutes as the first study session of college, and quite possibly the most legitimate attempt at a study session that I've ever had. Good thing it's on my first Friday night of what I'm sure will be four years of exciting weekends. hahahahh. hahh. ha.

Journalism is taking me over again. It's making me unhappy and obsessed, as per usual. I'm in love with it, as per usual. Right now I'm reverting back to an old habit of being alone by choice when I really shouldn't be alone.

You know what I think it is? It's hard to think in this dorm. There's always something else there, and I can never just focus. At home I had my think spot, and I didn't realize how valuable the hours I spent sitting at my dining room table with all of my shit spread around me were until they were whisked away with the rest of childhood. I have to figure out where I can think here. The problem is that everything is so busy. I should be typing up interviews right now but I just can't seem to force myself to do it.

I really don't have interest in money. All I want is for people to feel a little emptier when I go. I want to be happy.

Maybe I'm in this funk because my dorm room is the coldest place on earth. I love you.

-loch.

go work in retail.

I'm lying on the carpet my roommate and I bought for our dorm room floor, listening to the dulcet sounds of old the Academy is... coupled with the sounds of my coffee maker brewing up my life blood.

I've got to be honest with you, there are a hundred different things I've wanted to blog about since I got here on Saturday morning but I've had minimal down time. I haven't even been able to write. It's been both worrying and weirdly comforting, the lack of time to sit and brew on the fact that I don't really live at home anymore. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just very strange and a bit disconcerting. It would be less noticeable if school organizations had already gotten into the swing, because I'm joining basically every student media organization on campus plus photography club, film club, hopefully university orchestra, and the democrat AND republican organizations (hahh things are going to get interesting.), so I'd have things to do, which I like. But right now I have to spend my time writing a two page essay on slam poetry, trying to convince myself to read my biology book and waiting for a friend to call so I can walk down the the drag and buy another sociology textbook that I evidently need.

Don't get me wrong, college is great. I definitely couldn't see myself doing anything else right now, and I literally haven't felt a twinge of homesickness. I like it here, I feel like this situation suits me, and I'm making friends. It's just a very strange transition.

College is definitely fueling my addiction to media.

Journalism is a strange career, and I wouldn't recommend it to most people. It involves late nights, low pay, pissing powerful people off and sticking your nose where you shouldn't. There is nothing that the general public both hates and needs more than the media industry. But for some reason, no matter how much I talk about how I don't really care or how I want to go in a different direction, everything always, always comes back to journalism. Like, I can't get rid of/over it. I guess it's one of those things you have to have a calling for. I've accepted that no matter how much I hate it, I'm hopelessly in love with it and there are very few things I'm more passionate about, the one and possibly only thing being my obsession for writing in general. Plus if there's anything else that I'm good at, then it's networking, damnit.

For the next couple of hours or so I'll be here in my dorm, doing homework and hopefully doing some writing. And drinking creme brule flavored coffee. And possibly watching the Disney channel.

love with everything I have,

loch.

ps, no picture because I feel like anything taken before I got here is out of date. It feels like I've been here for ages. My neighbor has some she's sending to me though, so hopefully I'll get some aesthetics up soon.

In the wake of Saturday

I'm typing this blog from a hotel room in Austin. I've stayed at this hotel before but this time feels more pungent because tomorrow morning when I check out, I'm not driving back home.

This past week has been full of shoving books and sweaters into Sterilite containers, getting unnecessarily emotional, saying goodbye to the people I grew up with, and realizing I actually need to buy things like Kleenexes. This summer has been full of late nights, new friends, slight but expected disappointments, and some of my absolute favorite pictures to go back and look at. Now suddenly it's gone, and right now the memories are so close I can smell them, but in two months, they'll be so distant it'll seem like years have passed. It's terrifying, but the speed that life is suddenly going is undeniably exhilarating.

Tomorrow morning I'm moving into a dorm room and starting my life as a college freshman. :)

Please expect more frequent updates. I love you with everything that I have.

- Loch :)

suddenly I can't stay in this room,

Yesterday, I got legit angry at someone for the first time in a long time. Like, fuming. It was actually a reallyyy nice release of energy, you know? I feel like I've filled my angry quota and I'm pretty much gonna stay happy for a while now,

Last night, I had my laptop with me, but not my flash drive. Which was frustrating, because the reason I brought my laptop with me in the first place was so that I could sit down and force myself to work on the two projects I got so into at the beginning of the summer, odd couple and 3. The goings on of the past couple of days made me realize I've been neglecting my babies a little too much this summer. Any who, I was def annoyed when I realized that I was at least missing the most recent copies, but then I remembered that every so often I back up my flash-drive on my hard drive, so if my flash drive gets eaten by an elephant or some other horrible disaster occurs, I won't be completely SOL. So I started going through the hard drive on my laptop to see what I could find. Odd Couple was wayy too recent to be on there, which didn't surprise me, but I found 3, which was only missing about a fourth of the file. While I was on there, I went through a bunch of older files, because I couldn't remember what most of them were, and a lot of times I can get easy inspiration from older things I've written that I've forgotten about. So I'm reading through these older files, and I'm seeing the common threads that I always do, and the characters with different names who are basically all the same, and then it hits me. I figured everything out. I'm changing 3 around completely. The characters are getting makeovers, the main character is getting renamed, and I figured out the plot line. It was really exciting and I thought you all should hear about it :)

By the way, I just wanna say that this bitch ordered a pizza from me last night, and telling y'all the story would involve a lot of cici's speak so I won't subject you to that, but just putting this out there, rudeness is unnecessary. I honestly don't understand it. It takes more energy to be rude, you feel better when you're nice, and frankly, when you're rude too often you start running out of original bitchy comebacks so you have to start reusing them and then you just sound like an idiot. BE NICE. Collect good karma. Being a pleasant person really isn't that difficult. That's all.


Love from the very deepest cavern of my heart,
Loch :)

bitter and dumb, you're my sugarplum.

I am angry,
and this is all I have to say.

This summer I have done things that high school me would never have done. I have made decisions, and apparently I have made some that were stupid. This has been brought to my attention.
Senior year taught me two things: there is literally no one in the world that you can trust no matter how close to you they are, because while they may have your best intentions at heart you have no control over what they do, and that happiness is a choice. This summer I made the mistake of letting my guard down. It fucked up my writing. This summer I also learned that you can't be happy if you don't take chances.

This summer I lost focus. My life is about the writing I produce, and I veered from that. It's probably better I realize that now, as opposed to when I get to school.
I am going to write. I love you if you're reading this.
-Loch.

please tell me that you're alright.

I'm starting this post before I go get free drinks for some friends at my job, but they're coming to get me soon so I probably won't finish it until after my shift. I wanted to let you guys know that I think the ball might be rolling again, maybe.
Last night I was lying in bed, trying desperately to STOP thinking about why I was so bothered and START thinking of little sheep to count, when suddenly something hit me, and I rolled over and wrote for a good ten minutes, and frankly, it was not at all what I was expecting. I mean, I knew an epiphany would come around one way or another, but I was pretty much channeling the lovechild of Edgar Allen Poe and Shel Silverstein. Fuhreaky. But maybe it'll go somewhere. Poetrys been happening a lot lately? And I hadn't realized until the other night when I was explaining it to someone, and I was like, oh. I haven't written a lot of prose in a while. But I'm taking a poetry class first semester, so maybe this is a good thing?
PS, I move on the 21st. I quit work in ten days. :( but soon I'll be in college! :D

I lied, I'm not finishing this post until right now. Which is the next day, by the way. This girl from work I've bonded with super quickly spent the night at my house last night and we basically laughed hysterically for hours on end. Today I cut allllll of my hair off. And by all I mean over ten inches. The before and after pictures are above. Guess which one is which!
This has been the craziest summer of my life. If I'm doing everything else, I guess I might as well do my hair.
So much love, I'll come back later, I swear. I'm preoccupied. LOVE LOVE LOVE always,
Loch.

P.S. exactly two weeks until I'm officially living the dorm life.

this could be beautiful.

Writing is really all over the place right now. I'm sorry I haven't been posting, but for a few reasons in particular, my ability to type anything worth reading has been comparable to a roller coaster as of late. If things are going the way I think they are after tonight, then that should clear up soon, I hope.

There's only one thing I really have to talk about right now, and normally I would wait until I'd collected a few other tidbits before I rant about it, but lately I'm feeling like this is becoming more and more prevalent in my life.
Friendship should be easy. Friendship should not be a chore, or something you have to wake up every morning and tend to. It should blossom on it's own, and it should not need help growing. Unfortunately, I feel like too many of us are placing too many rules on something that should be effortless. Too many people are riddling their friendships with unnecessary obligations.
If you want friends, chill. The best friendships are easy ones. That's all I'm sayin, yo.

I lied, I have one more thing. It's short though.
My entire personality is made up of an interesting assortment of flaws, but the one that probably gets me into the most trouble while getting me what I want the quickest is my general lack of self control. I have almost none. If I want to do something, there is a 99% chance I'll do it.
That seems to be coming up in conversation more frequently lately, and what I'll say is this: I get that sometimes it makes my life a lot harder. But there are situations in which I honestly can't understand people who would stop themselves from doing what they want. I understand that it gets me into trouble and it does make some situations sticky, but the amount of times it's ultimately gotten me what I want make up for that tenfold. I think everyone should just do what they want.

I hope you all have a goodnight. Hopefully I'll be back soon. Much love, yeah?
-Loch

obsessive minus progressive

"What do you see right now? You see exactly and only what I choose to show you. That is illusion, Ivy. That is the lie that I tell your eyes. Making the magic happen, in the moment, in that split second, but seeing behind this motherfucker and knowing that it's all bullshit. But I can shape it, I can shift it, I can make it as real as this room. And that's why I'm valuable here Ivy, and that is why you are not."

-Smokin' Aces

"What I don't get is this new obsession with choices. Why is it so nessecary to decide between being a firefighter or an astraunaut? Why can't you be a firefighter and an astraunaut?"
"Because fires don't break out in space?"
"Haha, you're hysterical. Seriously though, like in elementary school? Teachers are basically drilling into these kid's heads that they can only have one dream. I just can't wrap my head around that. These kids should have twelve dreams, a hundred different aspirations, and there's no reason why they shouldn't all come true. Success doesn't mean embracing one career that you focus on exclusivly, it means dying happy."
"Baby-"
"No, I'm being serious! There is no reason why you shouldn't be able to do everything. Especially now that with medicine you can live to be like 130. Really though, give me a decent reason you shouldn't be able to be a doctor and an artist."
"Time constraints?"
"Oh shut up. 130 years, seriously?"
"Maybe I like being a doctor?"
"That's the stupidest reason ever."
"Stupidest?"
"Smartass. You're seriously going to sit here and tell me you would pass up the totally grabbable opportunity of being a famous artist for the sole reason that you enjoy your job as a doctor? You've been drawing since you were like, born."
"Look babe, there's only so much time in a day."
"Alright, 24 hours. But how much of that time do you spend sleeping? Dreaming instead of doing?"
"..."
"Sleep is for the week, babe. You can do whatever the hell you want, you just don't think you can. You're the barrier. Time hasn't got a thing to do with it."




Why is everyone so afraid of being ugly? Being ugly is what makes you beautiful.
I promise I'll be posting more often now. I think I've broken through my block.
-Loch

block.

I can't write anything worth rereading.
I feel like there's something there, I really do. I'm grasping at it and I can't figure out what the hell it is.
I don't know what's going on?

stars still wish on the classy.

Today was really, really good, and it took tonight for me to realize just how little I've written lately and how badly that needs to change. I'm only posting this blog to tell you that. I'll write tomorrow. I'll also post again tomorrow. I would right now, but I'm really, really tired.
I love you with everything I have,
alexandra.