The Downlow

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austin, texas, United States
aspiring writer, English and journalism student, hails from Texas. likes include writing, coffee, books, whisky and people.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

on pessimism.

Hey everyone.
So I feel like I owe some sort of explanation for why I've been gone so long. I had a burst of inspiration a few weeks ago and I sat down to start writing a blog, actually, and for the first time in a long time I couldn't figure out quite how to phrase what I wanted to say. I think this is what it's going to end up being, because this is the best way I can think of to say it.
Today I graduated high school, which you would think would be happy, right? And I mean, it's great, I'm thrilled, but I can't help but feel this sudden and slow but incredibly heavy weight being lifted off of me, and another placed onto me in it's wake that's just a teensy bit heavier than it's predecessor. The finality of it set in during the graduation speeches, I think, when everyone kept talking about how high school was ending. Which is obvious, but four years went by so unbelievably quickly, and I find myself wondering how long college is going to last, and life after that, and before I know it I'm going to be old, and I've never, ever had any desire to grow old. It's weirdly reminiscent of the seventh grade when I realized I would die one day, that there would people in the future who I would never, ever meet, except for now I can't be like, well it doesn't matter, I'm really super young, I'm in middle school, because oh hey guess what I'm not in middle school. I'm not even in freaking high school anymore. I've been dying to get out for ages and I'm finally realizing that I didn't stop to see what was going on.
I'm fortunate. I've discovered this year that happiness is unbelievably simple. All you have to do is stop whining about everything that sucks and make the best of things. The world really is a good place, most people simply choose to overlook all the beautiful things they're surrounded with, enveloped by, every time they walk out their door in the morning. It confuses me more than anything else why such a heavy portion of the population chooses to be so miserable. Happiness, really, is a choice. If you decide to be happy, then you're happy. Being happy makes the people around you happy. It's a chain thing. Pretty soon every one's happy. I can't grasp why people are so set on preventing the world from being the happy place it was built to be.
It's strange for me to think about all of this because suddenly, I'm reaching the end of my childhood. I'm going to be able to vote soon, and be charged with crimes in actual court and sign my own permission forms. In four days, I'll be legal, and in four months, I'll be on my own, and in four years, I'll be back in a cap and gown and waving goodbye to an education and hello to the looming uncertainty that is my writing career. It's weird to look at what I believe because I'm becoming who I am. I'm not growing anymore, this is me. Hello, world, welcome to my abode, I hope you can handle it. It's too late to say I'll write a novel one day, I need to write one now. I need to stand up for what I need to believe in now. I need to be a real person now.
It sounds really stupid when I say it this way, but I feel like life goes by really quickly, and everyone should just chill and do what makes them happy while they can.
I'm really happy, and I'm excited that I graduated and I'm going to college, and I'm sure that in a week or two I won't be scared of anything. It's just so strange to actually grow up.

I've been writing a lot lately, but not anything in particular. Essays, short stories, poems, even sporadic diary entries. It's been all over the place. I feel like writing right now, but I'm tired, so I'm going to try to get myself to focus on one project for a few hours. If I fall asleep though, tomorrow I'm not doing anything except maybe getting food with someone, so I'll hopefully be writing most of the day. I've been working a lot lately, and it's been hard to find time.

I hope everyone else sleeps well,

P.S. Photo credit @ Stephanie N.

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