Today was a really annoying day.
Have you ever been in one of those situations where you tell a lie, and then someone tells you how trustworthy you are and you immediately feel beyond guilty? Because today, that happened to me. It was really classic, actually, like a scenario from Full House or something. You tell your parent a lie, they believe you seamlessly and tell you how amazing you are, and you feel like daunch for the rest of the day until you tell them.
The people I should be able to trust the most have lied to me for nearly eighteen years about everything, and they have lied very, very well. In the past couple of months I found out I was being lied to, was told new information which was, of course, not true, and have basically discovered that I have no idea where I came from or who I am, and frankly, I don't believe anyone anymore. The only thing I have learned is that there is absolutely no one who you can absolutely trust, and that you should always be able to prove something yourself before you publish it.
The point is that I am good at lying, but I don't do it, and I don't see why anyone else does either. The world would be a much more exciting place if everyone would just be honest. I can't wrap my head around why people feel the need to sugar coat things or hide them altogether- it doesn't help anything. Like, at all. All it does is stress you out and stress other people out.
Trusting is not the same as loving. I have found out lies, and have lied about knowing them. Sometimes people lie to protect, and you have to respect that. I'm keeping my mouth shut.
When I find out whats going on I'll let you know.
I spent the weekend at the beach with orchestra and some of my favorite people, and I honestly just want to lie in the sun by the ocean and not think about anything but the people I love for the rest of my life. I really, really want to graduate.
love,
alexandra.
I am not a fan of endings. It's unfortunate, because I seem to be arriving at so many of them.
When your farther off, college is an exciting idea. High school, admittedly, has a tendency to suck, and around the end of junior year, beginning of senior year, graduating begins to look pretty damn good.
Tonight I played the last of seven years worth of orchestra concerts, and it really hit me that things are starting to be over. No more orchestra, no more high school, no more acquaintances you greet in the hall. Only passerby, and there are less of them, and they're less constant.
In high school, it's easy to know who you are. You're more secure, there aren't as many decisions to be made, and you've known some people for years. You can say pretty solidly that you are aware of your personal goals and desires. Once you get out of high school, it's impossible to be the person you've always been. Change is forced, and everything is up in the air.
Maybe it's just me, but as I approach the end of the road, I'm terrified of crossing the bridge to the other side. I don't know whats there, and I don't know if I want to find out. I like who I am and what I want and who I care about, and the idea that I'm going to have to start over is unsettling on several levels.
I need to read more. I'm starting to get more scattered. I need to pull it together.
Some things are magic, and some things are just too hard to let go of. The are some things you can't ever let yourself forget. I don't want to forget.
I lahve you, I love all,
Alexandra.
I do not, and will not under any circumstances claim to have taken that picture. It is far too beast for me. Is it a dog in a lobster suit, or a dog peeking out from the belly of a vicious canine devouring monster lobster? We may never know. Human kind is meant to be left with some questions unanswered, I suppose.
It has been far, far too long since I've updated this. I'm really sorry about that :/
Things have been a bit hectic lately. My priorities have become a lot more obvious in the past week or two. It's weird, because it's not necessarily what I'd expected.
This is the shortest blog ever, sorry I'm vague and weird. I'm just particularly mentally drained tonight and I don't feel like I can form anything coherent. What I will say, for right now, is this- If you have a bad quality, and you are aware of it, fix it. It seems logical, but so many people seem to just accept the things about themselves that they dislike and move on, and I'm not going to lie, I don't get it. Take some control of your own life, buck up. So many people are just pansies about it nowadays.
I'm tired, legit. Expect me to be sleeping in a few seconds. I'll update again tomorrow, a longer one, I promise. You'll be filled in on errathang.
lahve,
loch.
This time next year, I'll be in a different kind of town.
I expected to be in a different kind of state, mind you. Financial aide, however, dictated otherwise, and this weekend was spent at my future university campus. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty much sold on it. I feel like there's something about the city that suits me. I bought spirit wear, so everyone can go ahead and consider the deal sealed. I think what I liked the most about it was that everyone was cool with one another. Plus I high fived a thirty five year old crack head on the street and apparently there's a famous cross dressing hobo who lives in a box that can be found in all of the tourist books. I think I'll fare well.
I had never before considered living off campus, but housing isn't guaranteed for freshman and honestly, that makes me really nervous. I'd rather secure a living space now than scramble over summer to find a place to live, you know? Plus the on campus meal plan blows. Luckily, there's some privately owned dorms right near the communication buildings, which are where I'm going to be spending most of my time, so I'm planning on living fancy! And with unlimited meals a week, MWAHAHAHAHAHH. hahh.
I'm sorry it's been so long, I've just been way busy. I left town Thursday night and couldn't figure out how to get Internet access at the hotel, and since I got back Sunday I've been busy out of my mind with homework and figuring out financial aide and all that jazzy stuff. Orchestra is making me really happy and other electives are making me really not, but it's all good. For the past couple of weeks, I've been happier than I have been in a long time, at least at school. I have also never been so anxious to graduate- I can practically smell summer, it's making me really impatient.
I find it very difficult to dislike things/people, but I realized today that for the first time in my life, I hate someone. I personally commend myself on going this long without admitting the truth- after I made the realization I had a whole lot of unbridled energy and I think it's the energy I usually use to try and convince myself that she only means well. Which, by the way, is false. Plus, I like the unbridled energy, I think I'm going to keep it around.
I'm not in that picture, I took it. My back yard, some friends, and a wasp burial are in it though. We might be savages? It was quite a while ago. Writing is interesting. I had some revelations this weekend. I'm not really sure what's going on in my head right now, but I promise I'll let you guys know as soon as I do.
I think I might actually read the next book we're studying for English. It's called Heart of Darkness. I want to take a nap. I'll see you guys in the next couple of nights,
feel the lahve,
Loch.
So consider me at one with nature. Props to Kay Elle for the photo. There was a big fire, and it was very warm and nice. Plus the back of my head is ridiculous!
So I have this friend/acquaintance that's going to college with me, and he wants to be a doctor so he's majoring in the bio med program. He told me yesterday that he writes music, so I asked him why he didn't just decide to major in music, and he replied with the obvious, which was that he wanted to be able to afford food and maybe a house. That night, he sent me a link to this song he wrote. I'm not going to lie, after I listened to it I was really impressed so I creeped a little bit and found his myspace music page. The kid is legit talented, he sings and composes mostly piano and acoustic pieces and they're actually good, which is rare for high school musicians on myspace. It's been bugging me for like twenty four hours now, and I think I just figured out why.
I'm pretty sure I've already subjected you guys to my rant on talent. For those of you who haven't heard, I really feel like people are born with innate talent in a specific area gifted from whatever you want to believe is or isn't up there, and that that talent is why we're here. We are all mediums for beauty in one way or another. It's always bothered me when people decide to do something for money. Before you choose a career, you should sit down and seriously ponder whether or not you would do the same job even if you didn't get payed, and if the answer is no, cross it off your freaking list because no amount of money is worth giving up what you really feel alive doing. I just couldn't imagine sitting down and being like, gee, writing doesn't pay very much. How about I be an engineer instead, even though I don't really care about it! I guess I don't put a lot of value on money. I mean I'd like to eat but I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to live in a small apartment and eat ramen for most of my life after college, and I'm okay with it. I just hope people know what they're getting themselves into when they decide to do something because it pays, because the world doesn't need any more miserable people. We've def got enough. If you can sing, by golly, sing! There's probably a reason that you can.
So I met who I think is going to be my roommate next year. Not a whole lot to say there, but she seems cool. I really love people who are open about things. There's nothing more refreshing than an acquaintance who treats you like an old friend.
Writing is sporadic. I have a plan, but I hope things come together more tangibly soon. I've taken a whole bunch of bits and pieces and finally ordered them up, which felt really good. More about that soon.
I'm really tired today and I'm not sure why. During second period, I looked down and realized that I had been wearing my shirt backwards for the entire day, and then I realized that the way the neckline on the shirt was, it made absolutely no difference. I'm really ready for college. I think I'm going to go take a nap/curl up under a snuggie and watch Law&Order reruns.
You are beautiful. LAHVE,
Loch.
hey yo! I'm sorry it's been so long. My week has been busy, surprisingly enough.
Thursday night, I went with some friends this ranch that's owned by one of their families. I was expecting a legit ranch, like with a house. I was wrong. It was basically a plot of land with a shack that had some cots for us to sleep on. I got there and I was like, so I have to pee, where's the bathroom? They were like, there isn't one. I thought they were kidding. I was wrong again.
Anywho, it was absolutely gorgeous. Not much else to say. I just really like nature. There's a lot to be said for urban areas, but there's something about nothing that just always blows me away. That picture is not of the ranch, but it's of somewhere with nothing. It's not a great photo but the place is beyond beautiful.
Also, did you know you can rent laser tag ranges? It's legit. That's all about that.
I haven't written in too long. I'm beginning to show signs of irritability. I think Oscar Wilde is going to be my next obsession. I'm doing Catholic things tonight, i.e. youth group then frozen yogurt, but after that I'm probably going to stay awake for a while and work on filling out the space between the very beginning, which I've finally started writing, to the chunk that I've written, which should fall like halfway before halfway through. Iloveallofyou!
p.s. I know where I'm going to college.
GOOD DAY.
-Loch.
So it's 1:36 in the morning and I literally just walked in my front door. I want nothing more than to curl up in a little ball right now and go to sleep, but damn it I'm loyal! Here's how my St. Patrick's day went- I know you're all dying to hear.
I went on a long awaited Plato's closet run at like four ish with the intention of losing all of my money to resale clothing. Granted all of my money constituted three $10 bills at the time, but darn it, I spent all of it, and then had to charge eleven cents to my friend's debit! I felt sorely cheated out of my usual resale experience, though; I purchased this dress t shirt thing, white shorts, and a shirt for thirty, while the friend I was with managed to buy out like half of the store for forty five. I, personally, was impressed. Then I went to work for two hours, where I found my coworker horribly ill in the backroom, so I manned the fort while she fashioned a pillow and blanket from merchandise and slept. After that, the real fun began. Can anyone say bowling with Catholic people?
So bowling, honestly, could have been more fun, but we did break the bowling alley! About half way through our first game, like six of us threw bowling balls in the lane all at once, and the game like started over on it's own and was freaking out for the rest of the night, not to mention several balls which remained lodged in the gutters for what I would call an extended period of time. They ended up shutting our game off, because more people came than we told them we had or something like that, so right before we left seven of us threw balls all at once AGAIN, and the bowling alley was royally pissed. We might not be allowed there anymore. I'm not gonna lie, twas worth it. We chose a disco theme for our score board, and every gutter ball was greeted by some seriously intense pelvic thrusts.
IHOP afterwards beat bowling by a long shot. There's something about eating pancakes after midnight, but I really feel like any calories I may have gained from eating were burned off immediately afterwards through laughter. Not a big story there, but I had a really good time. Also, I was informed of a new sport called groding, which is apparently wrestling with the intent of rubbing one's groin on another's face? I am just going to say right now, not classy.
Speaking of stories, I have one. So this morning, I wake up with this massive headache, right? And I think, oh, maybe last night I had one and just didn't notice and it got worse overnight instead of better. I take some ibuprofen and think nothing of it. Later, I'm about to get in the shower and I happen to look at my chin, and there's a very prominent bruise. Like, it's gross looking. Just saying. I was trying to think of what I did last night, and I went over to a friend's house to watch Julie&Julia on DVD and eat popcorn. One theory is that my popcorn was roofied. Is roofied a verb? Pretty sure I whacked myself in the face in my sleep. Weird.
In other and more important new, writing has exploded. In a good way. After I posted my last blog, the entire plot came together. The length of my word document has become much longer, and if I keep going at the rate that I am, I'll be done writing it by the end of summer at least, if not by graduation. Let's just hope I can keep the rate up!
I will post a picture of bowling things later. For now, you get this. I'm not really sure what it's of. I think it was in Six Flags at San Antonio like two years ago, when we took our orchestra trip there. Enjoy? I apologize for any incoherency this post may contain- I'm sure there's plenty.
I LOVE YOUUUUUUU
Loch.
P.S. I'm laser tagging on Friday. BE JEALOUS.
That picture was on my work's register computer. It makes me think of hard candy and cherry soda. I really hope someone else feels the same. It has no relevance to anything at all, and I'm pretty sure it was one of the standard ones that comes with your computer, but I hope you all like it!
So I would like for everyone to know that on Sunday I was sitting in the back at work reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, which is amazing by the way, and my brain put on its dancing shoes and had a freaking party without telling me first. Not that I mind at all, but it was very impromptu, and it definitely got the creative gears oiled and churning away. Probably beneficial in the long run. I just kept reeling out stuff that I literally hadn't even considered until right then, and I started writing the epilogue to whatever it is I'm writing, which is good because that's the part I had hoped to get finished first, because the rest of the book sort of relies on it, even though you won't really get that until you read it at the very end. I think it's either going to end up being a novel or a novella. Short story is most definitely out of the question at this point, and I'm feeling novel, but it could very well end up being much more brief than I'd expected. I didn't realize I was taking so much inspiration from Alice in Wonderland until I saw the movie last night and I realized that while they are entirely different premises, I've managed to make mine as trippy. Also, Alice in Wonderland was really good. Johnny Depp will never cease to amaze me with his unfailing capacity to play the part of a complete lunatic, and while doing so make said lunatic unbelievably appealing. Speaking of other appealing lunatics, I could not be more in love with Lady Gaga. If you haven't seen Telephone yet, go watch it. She and Beyonce could not possibly be more fierce.
Since I know what you guys are really itching for me to talk about, I'll oblige and give you the dish- my spring break has been great so far. Despite the obscene amount of extra hours I seem to have this week, which really isn't something I'm all that averted to because I took last weekend off for that church retreat and my paycheck was painfully small, I've managed to fit in quite a few social expenditures and am sufficiently exhausted, but still up for whatever whenever as long as I'm not trapped in the small retail hell I call my job. Granted, someone brought a box of microwave kettle corn to stash in the back so now I can eat whenever I want. I'm typing this entry on the register computer right now as I tend to several customers- there's this family and these obnoxious kids keep trying to go in the back, and I have to pee and I'm really annoyed. I hope no one I work with ever sees this, or at least if they do it's after I've already rolled out, because if they do I don't think they'll be particularly fond of keeping me on the job. It's not all that bad, it's just very easy to get tired of.
I don't have a whole lot to say right now, but it's been a while since I've updated. I've noticed that a lot of people update their blogs like once a month, which weirds me out. I just don't feel comfortable if I go for too long leaving you guys hanging, you know? Maybe I'm the weird one. Whatever. I'll be back in a couple of days. To be honest, I might be back later tonight.
LAHHHVE,
Loch.
This week has been really good. I was angry yesterday, sorry about that. Sometimes I just wish people would listen a little bit more, because I feel like information isn't being processed fully.
It's a funny feeling, when disappointment and relief collide.
I have no idea where I'm going to live in the fall. Like, not even what state. I'd narrowed it down to three colleges, two of which are at least seven hundred miles away, and one of which is in state. The in state one is a really, really good school, I was really surprised I'd even gotten in, but I have never had any desire to stay in the state of Texas after high school graduation. The two out of state schools were both far, and big and beautiful, where it's cold and they have real seasons, and I was really set on them for a while, one of which because of a particular major and the other because my dad was pushing for it, because he's an alumni. Tonight I got the score report from the one I'd really wanted to go to, and they're offering a little over eight grand a year, which is a fraction of what I'd need to be able to go there. My chances for attending that particular school are officially slim to none, and I don't expect the other out of state school to be hopeful. Now, in reality, if you exclude those two and the in state school I'm looking at, I have six other options, but they're not good enough, they're not what I really want. I want something very specific out of a college, and those two out of state schools had it. They were perfect. But now I'm narrowing down my choices. It's funny, because I feel like I should be upset, but I'm not. I think it's okay.
Money is a strange thing. It's not real when you're young- you're told about it and you hear it brought up, but it's something your parents deal with, never you. You're happy to get three dollars a week for allowance and you're entire psyche lights up at the sight of a stranded quarter. Twenty dollars is synonymous with the word rich. Then, you get a little older, and you start going to the mall with your friends. You take money from your parents, and you spend it. You begin to need more and more of it, and while you begin to feel a pull from it, it's still purely good, because you haven't yet seen anything that would tell you otherwise.
You hit your teens, and you get a job. Now, assuming you aren't like 65% of the city I live in, your parents stop paying for everything. Maybe your parents are divorced, or one is sick, or ones lost a job, and money is tight. You begin to understand what it's like to spend money that's yours, and it hits you that all of the money you have churned out since the day you were born has belonged to your parents. It's a strange sense of independence, the first time you spend your own paycheck, something that is to your name and no one else's. Then, along comes a day when you run short on money. That is where the true understanding begins.
It's a vice and a drug and a terrible thing, but it's necessary, and that's the most despicable part. We have worked the idea of currency so thoroughly into our society, so much so that it is the greatest motivation and the most intense form of temptation. It can make you jump through hoops and do horrible, horrible things, because a lack of it is the only thing that will separate you from what you want. We want and we want and we want, and money is all that lets us take, and so we will do anything we are told to get our hands on it. It's a disgusting thing. Unfortunately, the only thing that would seem to be worse than a world that trips over itself in search of cash, is a world that attempts to live without it.
I prefer hand writing things. Today I got some entirely new stuff down- by entirely new I mean like a new chapter or something. I don't really know exactly what it is, but it's a part of the general project I'm working on right now. My mind works in bursts, and I'm sure that eventually everything will come together. It's funny, the things that give you inspiration; this particular burst of writing was inspired by a random house about twenty minutes from where I live, and a conversation on a charter bus on the drive home from an orchestra competition with a girl who I have a long, slightly vague and relatively checkered history with. Actually, I guess it's not funny, but it's on my mind.
Everyone is out of town for spring break, but I still managed to get most of my week planned already. Expect to hear a recount of my midnight bowling adventure on Thursday! My neck hurts and I need to type. A good friend of mine has a dad who's a massage therapist, and today he gave me this really intense shoulder massage and now it feels like my arms aren't attached to the rest of me, which doesn't sound like a good feeling but it is. I'm not going to explain that picture. Sorry?
Today, a kid in my English class announced he was writing a novel. Mine will sell more copies.
I love you,
-Loch.
p.s. in exactly three months, I'm legally an adult.
This picture was taken a long time ago at a place I used to vacation at, back when I wasn't so sure of things. Most of me is glad that that's over, but a really small part of me would give anything in the world to go back. Today was an interesting day, and for the most part, really good.
I have a love hate relationship with other members of the human race. Honestly, there are things that make me happier than making people smile, but not very many- call me lame, but knowing that someone looks happy because of you makes everything feel better. I love smiling at half strangers in the hallways and seeing if they say hi to me the next day. I love acquaintances, and talking to people I don't know that well or haven't spoken to in years, and I really, really love my best friends. I do love people. However, they seem to have a knack for pissing me off.
You know something? Most of the time, I feel like I'm a relatively reasonable person. I don't really get upset about things at all, ever, and in most situations I'm pretty darn quick to compromise. The list of things that set me off probably comes up to be less than five. Roughly 96% of the time I am in a really good mood. The other 4% of the time, however, I am in a very, very bad mood.
I hate being in a bad mood. It's not fun for me, and it's certainly not fun for anyone around me- I get very snappish and my voice is low and difficult to hear. However, some people insist upon putting me in that position, and to them, I will say this.
There aren't a lot of things that I don't like, but I really hate when people try to start fights with me. Particularly when they're wrong. What I hate more than that is when people try to start fights with me and they don't do it tactfully. If you are going to start an argument in which you know one or both of us will raise our voice, pull me aside. It's not that difficult. Do not do it in front of a room full of people, because oh hey, I kind of value privacy. The whole world does not need to know everything, and I'm really sorry you feel the need to inform them, but I am not going to aide you in your plight to make sure that everyone in the freaking school hears about our tiff. Suck the proverbial it.
It is so much easier to be polite, and tactful, and happy. Really, it is. I feel like so many people underestimate the simplicity of being content- just stop being angry. Maybe I'm the only person in the world who can control their emotions, but I doubt it. It's not that hard to just calm down. I would love it if everyone would stop for a half second, look around, and just take in the number of people who aren't happy, and the number of reasons why they should be. It will never cease to amaze me how society seems so intent on upsetting themselves with things that are completely irrelevant. I just don't understand the need for aggression- I am more than willing to defend, but I can't wrap my head around the desire to attack.
I don't hate anyone. Honestly, I really like almost everyone I meet. I like getting along with people, and I like making people smile. Do not for a second think that means that I will not smack a hoe. If I am right, I am not at all afraid to tell you, or shout it at you if the situation calls for it.
In other news, I'm continuing to let my brain throw what it wants out there. I just can't stop thinking. Today I typed in a draft text message again. I'm falling behind though, I think- lately I've been neglecting my flash drive. Tomorrow after I turn in my late work for psych, I'm planning on going to the library and letting my brain explode in a word document. Also, my sleep cycle has been more out of whack than usual lately, and the amount of two week late homework I have nullifies any instance in which I may have been called a good student. I really need to work on my time management.
I'm going to go shower and then read a textbook, maybe write for a bit, and then sleep. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and then do all of that, so I can stay up longer. I've come to the conclusion over the years that my internal clock just doesn't run like a normal person's- I feel best when I sleep for short periods of time at regular intervals. Like meals, but with sleep.
Yep, I think a nap is going to win out in this round.
I love everyone.
-Loch
Today was a really annoying day.
